2009 PIAS - Part 2: The Worse
2009 Portland International Auto Show
Sick of associating with mere mortals, we tried to assuage ourselves with a higher class of automobile. I should have known better.
Can-Am Road Sled Thing
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Snowmobiles always seemed oddly dangerous to me, with their inability for tight maneouvering. A blast at speed, in a mostly-forward direction, but the designed failure mode of control always scared the crap out of me. Motorcycles have similar problems, but at least give you the option of squeezing through tight spaces or kicking the back end around.
Perhaps I'm just a wuss. But I'm a wuss that likes to lean.
BMW M3
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Advancement seems to keep making nice, tight cars into more powerful but bigger cars. I hate that. It would be so much more satisfying for modest increases in power but also decreases in mass. You know, like sports cars are supposed to be. Without getting all the way to being a tiny aluminum tub on wheels like a Lotus, but instead actually having some typical Bavarian refinement.
There's always Stuttgart, I suppose.
BMW X6
How come all the cool ideas come to fruition at exactly the moment after their really feasible? From the reading I've done, the electronics packed into these things to make them drive (surprisingly) well rivals the techno-wizardry of the GTR. I like that.
I'll never buy one, even if I have the money, but I like that.
Audi R8
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If I had the money, I'd buy this.
Despite the howling protests from my family.
Despite my refusal to give up the Porsche.
Despite needing to consider future responsibilities that would be horribly impaired by this expenditure.
Despite having nowhere to park it.
Despite being unable to afford driving it.
I'd still buy it. Gorgeous car.
Pity that this probably doesn't save me from also feeling like I need to one day get a Ferrari too.
Porsche Turbo
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You know, I was half-expecting to see a target painted on it somewhere. It's been part of almost every road test comparison out there for every new supercar that rears its head - most notably the GTR, which was specifically designed to match or best the Porsche Turbo.
Still, here it sits. Eminently desirable, and essentially unworried about external threats.
Now, if Stuttgart every thinks about putting a forced-air intake and all-wheel-drive on a Cayman, that will be a concern. A delightfully happy concern.
Lamborghini
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"Look! Look! I'm an asshole!"
NO, I meant that's what these cars say. Shaddup. YES, I can understand how it might be confusing coming from me. Shaddup anyway.
Basically, I don't like Lamborghinis because me having one would be like metaphysical stuttering.
Mercedes SL63 AMG
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"Out of my way, peasant. Asshole coming through."
Let's not go through this again. Just trust me. I work for Daimler, this is the euphemistic translation.
Mercedes GLK
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The diesel version of this is supposed to get some pretty phenomenal mileage, which would make this a truly appealing vehicle for a lot of people. Well, people like me, anyway.
Maybe I'm being unduly affected by thoughts of getting an employee discount.
Maserati Gran Turismo
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Once upon a time there was a company that was generally considered to be the fourth-best car company in a small, somewhat socialist nation. If that nation had been any country other than Italy, this would have been a horrible joke. Now that Maserati is controlled by Ferrari - or wait, is it any more? Whatever. They're not wedge-shaped pieces of crap any more, and they have Ferrari engines. And, in fact, they're quite attractive.
For people too timid to admit that they're cocks by just getting a Ferrari, I mean.
Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano
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A front-engine Ferrari? Not for me.
But, DAMN, you have to respect this beast. It destroys anything in its path. Pininfarina did their job well here. A gentleman's monstrous performance ride, I guess. Not being a gentleman, I can't be really sure.
Ferrari 430 Scuderia
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"I'M A COCK! HA HA HA HA!!!"
Yes, it is my dream car. You know this already.
Ducati Monster
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If you look carefully at the details of this machine, can you see which parts I love, which parts I hate, and which parts I would immediately remove? It's an odd entity that way. I have similar thoughts about some people.