2009 PIAS - Part 1: The Bad
2009 Portland International Auto Show
The first thing the visiting crew from Daimler Trucks North America did was that we headed to the generic people-mover brand area. This was before my hopes were crushed, and where I had high expectations about finding the Volt and worshipping before the GTR.
So it goes.
Pontiac Solstice Coupe
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I think that every major auto manufacturer that abandoned small, dedicated sports cars is still suffering from Mazda beating them about the head in the early '90s with the Miata. Why else would they all seem to assume that this class of vehicle needs to be a convertible first and foremost? I mean, sure, I like convertible sports cars too; I had an MGB. But most people only have one of those before they figure out that soft tops lose their appeal really damn fast, and thereafter will be seeking out coupes. 4 years after introducing the Solstice, Pontiac figured that out.
Golf clap, anyone?
Chevrolet Corvette ZR1
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It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a Super Vette!
Actually, I wonder if Chevrolet could license the use of the stylized "S" from DC comics... Nah, probably not.
Now that I think about it, it may be that my hatred of Superman has some bearing on my lack of interest in Corvettes as potential rides. Powerful but naive - not my style. Better than gutless and malevolent, I suppose, as a being to hang out with. But would it be as interesting? Nah, probably not.
Mini Clubman S
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I wonder how many times I'd have to crack my head against metal struts, bash my elbow into b-pillars, slam my knees into bolsters, bruise my knuckles against liners, and other assorted injuries before I stopped liking this car. It's a stupid, stupid car of silly proportion for a 187cm person with a 175cm wife and a baby on the way. I guess I'm just stupid.
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Looks good on them, though.
Ford pickup cutaway
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You know how cutting open a pretty person makes them ugly? Well, cutting open an ugly person doesn't make them pretty. Same goes for trucks, apparently.
Oh, come on. You don't actually have to have cut open anybody to know that the process would make them ugly. Stop being so wussy.
Dodge Challenger
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It's like a brick of cheese with wheels. Well, the orange one was. This one is more of just a lump. A high-powered lump, I'll grant you.
Danny went and sat in the competing Chevy Camaro, and came back burdened by a deep sadness. Consequently, I avoided it. I was still feeling bitter from discovering that Chevy DIDN'T HAVE A VOLT ON DISPLAY. Idiots.
Dodge Viper
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And this, ladies and gentlemen, is pretty much exactly what the car form of suicide looks like. I wonder how much the proceedings for Oregon's "Death With Dignity" act cost on an individual basis. If it's more than the cost of one of these babies, I've got an idea...
Toyota FJ Cruiser
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Clearly, since we're having a boy, I need to get one of these. To show him how the tonka trucks are supposed to drive around on stuff.
Nissan GTR
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How I adore this car. Me and all of my engineering brethren were beaming with joy as we appraised this newly-descended demi-god of supercardom. But as I walked around it, adoringly, I continually failed to see where the magic was kept. For certainly there is magic to be had here, somewhere - to be sprinkled liberally about when approaching the Nurburgring.
A couple walked by, and I heard the wife ask if it was "Maxima". I wanted to tackle her to the ground and point out how, obviously, this was the Porsche-clobbering Godzilla - the unmistakable Gee Tee Arr. But, sadly, I found a lack of overt reference points to illustrate the point. Sure, it was obvious to me and my fanatic friends. And it had the letters on the back. But, other than that, it kind of looks like every other Eastern tech-oriented sports ride with go-fast bits on display.
I felt deflated and soiled like beach ball mingling in a porcupine orgy.
Nissan 370Z
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How did they manage to take something as handsome as the 350Z, make it more powerful and faster, and end up with something much less appealing?
There needs to be a stick with which to beat car designers such that they recognize the intimate connection between form and function. Adding stylistic flairs to try to imitate some of the meaningful lines of the kooky GTR in a more pedestrian vehicle is worse than a waste, it's off-putting. When I opened the door to get in, the pointless character flair of the upper tip swung by my groin area with a promise of unpleasantess and fragility. Maybe it looks integral when it's closed, but it looks like shit when in use. The more you look at the details, the more you see that being a possible area of neglect throughout the car.
Burn the witch.
Hyundai Genesis
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Car Of The Year. According to somebody.
Somebody with questionable aesthetics, I think. Great car for a great price, I'm sure. But if you're going to go out of your way to create "character", why make the character so.. pointless? Maybe I'm just a design snob, but looking at this car is like staring at a 100-Watt bulb - it burns my eyes after a while, and I want it to go away.
Fetch me my form/function bludgeon.