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<p align="right"><font size="6">[[Transition|<font face="Consolas, Courier new">claytoncastle.com</font> •  T R A N S I T I O N]]</font></p>
<p align="center"><font size="6">[[Transition|<font face="Consolas, Courier new">claytoncastle.com</font>]]</font></p>
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=[[2020.08.21 "You made that up."]]=
=[[2026.01.09 Men With Hats]]=
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"You made that up."
http://www.kvankii.com/gallery/IMG_0138_copy.png


I'm not sure how much my total lack of surprise is conveyed by whatever expression is on my increasingly-worn face, but I lift my spiny shoulders in a shrug-like manner. "That part isn't important for the purpose of this exchange, but it does set things up well to help you understand what I'm trying to explain."
http://www.kvankii.com/gallery/2675399054887965559_copy.png
 
The lean reptilian death-machine regards me through slitted eyelids.  "Look, ye crazy old monster, I ken that ye can murder me inna blink of an eye - yeah?  So I'll listen to whatever cockamamie tale you need me ta hear.  Just maybe leave out the shyte with magical humans with wings."
 
"The lady with the bat wings that leapt into the portal wasn't the scary bit; it was the black telepathic robots that started hunting me.  That was what started me on this path."
 
The reptiloid adjusts all three of its pairs of holstered blasters to get more comfortable on its barstool perch.  "A path for forcing random people to listen to crazy stories?"
 
Woo - suave.  It must have pinged the robotic bartender to start making a drink a few moments ago, because that casual reach backward without looking to receive that mug was pretty slick.  I wrinkle my snout.  "That's a by-product."  I tap one of my talons on the bar top to request a replacement drink of my own, in a more old-fashioned way.  Based on the crooked set of its mouth, I think it does not think I'm very cool.
 
The robotic bartender gives me an ETA on my drink, which seems somewhat faster than I would have expected.  I regard my captive audience some more.  "At the time, I was rather skilled with a blaster, and well on my way to being a decent assassin.  Tough enough that people stayed out of my way, which let me move pretty quickly through various environments."
 
Ah - a nod.  This makes sense to it, as it probably aligns well with its own ease of moving through reality through brute application of paired blaster fire.
 
I let my fangs show as I smile, to distract it.  "That almost got me killed too many times to count.  Because as fast as I could move on, the things hunting me could always find me."
 
"So you're shitty at sneaking and hiding.  So whaaaaaaat?!!!"
 
The change of expression is just delicious as I brought one of its very-precious plasma blasters into view.  "That was jut the thing - I wasn't.  Kind of the opposite."  It is clearly reigning in its indignation as it respectfully retrieves the exquisite weapon from my open palm.  "My problem was that I was just a bit too... distinctive."
 
A bunch of half-formed expressions chase each other across the reptiloid's face.  "Have you been hunting me down?"
 
The tension of the moment is piled on with a faint mechanical scream and a sudden thin plume of smoke rising from behind the bar.  Both I and the reptiloid glance over, and I get an updated ETA on my drink that is considerably further in the future.  An ugly snicker works its way out of my ragged vocal chords.
 
Turning back to regard the noticeably-more-tense reptiloid, I tilt my wedge-like head.  "Smart question.  But no, not exactly."
 
<pre>To be continued...</pre>
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=[[2020.07.07 Verbal Constipation]]=
=[[2026.01.02 First Day Of The New Job]]=
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There's so much going on!
Sadly, my epic new seat was not ready to set up.  So I just admired the view for a minute - both out the across the river, and into my director's office at the giant Millenium Falcon LEGO set.
 
And I have so little ability to make meaningful note of it.  Sucks.
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=[[2020.06.30 Courage, Confidence, and Goodness]]=
=[[2025.12.30 - 2025 Wrap-Up]]=
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<pre>Blatantly stolen from the interwebs...</pre>
==Fredmas Crash==
<blockquote>
On the wet and rainy morning of Fredmas, Ember and Violet were commuting to Hillsdale for school when they were the tail-end of a 5-car pile-up. Speeds were modest, and the 2018 Subaru Impreza did all the safety-engineered things to sacrifice itself such that neither kid was injured in any way.
If courage isn't the absence of fear but doing the right thing regardless of it, maybe confidence isn't the absence of insecurity but knowing you have real worth despite it.
 
Communication was not stellar, but Violet managed to let us know right away.  So without actually having all the details up front, Amy and I knew they had a problem and could see that they were in the middle of the Fremont freeway bridge and jumped into Velma to go help.  When we showed up they were the only ones there - shivering in the rain on the side of the freeway.  Amy onboarded the kids to drive them the rest of the way SW, and I stayed in the shivering sideways rain for a couple hours with the wreck to wait for the tow truck.  Fun times.


By this same token, maybe goodness isn't the absence of bad thoughts or impulses, but the conscious choice to behave according to your moral ideals in spite of them.
Some lessons learned, and Ember has yet to get back in that saddle.  Scheming about how to proceed with commuter vehicle plans is still ongoing.  It seems like a logical time and place to make a plug for the replacement to be an EV, but probably shouldn't push too hard.  Because reasons.
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<hr>
==Work Transformations==
December as a whole has been weird with trying to finish handing work batons to their new responsible engineers.  It's been the longest that I've been in any group - 10 years! - and recognize that it's going to be a long time to ever fully extricate myself.


=[[2020.05.24 Pandemic Ponderings 4]]=
At the same time, the new Vehicle Level Engineering role is both exciting and boggling. Frankly, it's a lot.
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http://kvankii.com/gallery/covid_leaders.png


How very odd that the top four countries ranked in terms of cases of infection, demonstrating that they are the least capable of dealing with real world facts and situations, all happen to have governments lead by populist leaders.
Simultaneously, Amy is changing shifts to stop the 5 12-hour shifts in 6 days marathon every couple weeks and jumping into 3 shifts every week with her best non-Clayton friend.  We're all very excited for the shift in energy.
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==Other Stuff==
This winter break had been bookmarked for a bunch of reading and writing plans, all of which have basically unravelled as I'm actually spending most of my time just mouth-breathing my way through the exhausting cold/flu that Ember gave me.


=[[2020.05.17 The Hole]]=
Now that the kids are back, I do intend to inflict all kinds of old but beloved movies on them.  So there's that.  There's also a butt-tonne of sugary foods from all the sources to keep me overfed while I quietly lament how few bike rides I actually went on this year.
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Back when I was turning 30, I was tormented for a couple years with a new sensation of being ready to be part of a family.  I discovered in myself a capacity to hold another in a trusting way, to be a partner.  It ached to be unfulfilled.  But then I did find a partner, and it blossomed into a family, and the sense of completeness is one that I know in my bones is how my best life can be realized.


So I know that such a thing is possible.  And the ache I feel now can be soothed, with patience and care.
So it goes.


Except now there's a new space in me, beyond the socket that I might find a partner to fit.  I've been eroded by the knowledge that it ends.  It always ends.  My trust can never be safe.
Things I'm looking forward to in 2026:
* bunches of Amy+Clayton adventure time regularly
* diving into a dream job (should probably write a separate post about that thought alone)
* defeating fascism


Which is why I'm here, alone with my feelings, grieving the version of me that I may never get to be again.
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=[[2020.05.09 Define Well-Being]]=
=[[2025.11.30 Movember]]=
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Before the pandemic started, I signed up for an online psychology course from Yale: <i>The Psychology of Happiness</i> with Doctor Laurie Santos. It was meant to augment my therapy, but has turned into my only therapy. And, honestly, it's been some of the most helpful therapeutic work I've done.
http://www.kvankii.com/gallery/IMG_0072_small.png


My week 7 homework is a short essay: Define well-being.
Not my best effort. I suspect that the grey makes it incrementally less impressive. Plus I kept trimming to avoid poking Amy so much, and the surrounding scruff softens the effect even more.
<blockquote><i>"Think about your own definition of well-being and share it with your classmates. What does living the good life mean to you personally? Has this course changed your definition at all?"</i></blockquote>


Here goes.
Gone now, but not missed. Other than the daily startle of seeing my dad in the mirror.
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<blockquote><b>
<hr>
Well-being might shift definition based on where you view it from, in time.


Looking forward, well-being feels defined by a sense of affluence and ease.  We imagine our future selves as having well-being with goals achieved, and needs met, and being safe.
=[[2025.10.18 No Kings]]=
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40,000 people in Portland sending a clear message.   


In the moment, well-being is all about how in-touch with ourselves we are.  Sensing the alignment of our thoughts, feelings, perceptions and sensations are the most tangible understanding of immediate well-being.  These are the immersive experiences of well-being that are the pixels that make up the picture we're painting of our lives.
Awkwardly, the current administration has also been sending a clear, fascist message.
 
Looking back, well-being is filtered through our evaluation of our own equanimity with whatever our challenges were, and the level of acceptance we have gained.  If we're wise, maybe we see how our own well-being is tied to the degree to which we were sources of well-being for the rest of the world.
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http://www.kvankii.com/gallery/Challenge_vs_skill.png
=[[2025.10.04 Federal Troops In Portland]]=
 
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=[[2020.04.25 Pandemic Ponderings 3]]=
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The immediate reality of existence is that I'm stretched really thin.  Being the lead parent for homeschooling for most of the weekdays makes sense, because my work is not fragile with respect to interruptions - unlike S.  But it does mean that I have to make up time on evenings and weekends to compensate, productivity-wise.  It is ablative on the soul, and I'll have to moderate some expectations in order to make all this sustainable.
It's really weird.  Just, you know, profoundly weird.


But there is a poignancy to these times.  I love how this global experience, that we'll recall for the rest of our lives, is saturated with me spending time with Simon and Violet.  We'll all have shared experiences, with greater-than-usual bandwidth of interaction existing in my little apartment and trying to figure out how to thrive with our arrayed pursuits.
Acknowledging for a moment the footage from 2020 looked bad - as shown on cable news.  But even then that was basically constrained to a couple blocks downtown for actual protests.  Meanwhile there were other simultaneous marches about police brutality throughout the city that were completely peaceful and not newsworthy.


Future Simon and Violet - who I hope are reading this someday - I know I seemed grumpy some of these days, but I want you to know how much I love all this time with you both.
I suppose that if one were to conflate the "hundred days of protest" in 2020 with the rising homelessness problem, one could squint and see the folks cowering in tents and vehicles and pretend there's a direct connection of some kind.  I mean, other than the systematic violence done to the worker class both strip mining us for wealth and trying to overtly pit us against each other.


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But in context of what is actually happening right now - which amounts to a group of 6-16 people regularly taunting ICE agents at a single building - it's wildly disproportional.  Especially with the Portland Police Department stating, in court, that all the altercations they have evidence for so far are mainly cases of untrained federal agents trying to instigate meme-worthy moments with the peaceful protestors.


<hr>
So the federal activation of 200 National Guard to "pacify Portland" is, well, purely for show.


=[[2020.04.12 Pandemic Ponderings 2]]=
Which makes Portland's main reaction one that endears this city to me even more: to be silly. Dressing up in harmless costumes, dancing, and handing out cookies. Doing whatever it takes to make the video bites nearly impossible to weaponize politically, as the fascists so clearly desire.
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http://kvankii.com/gallery/pandemic_20200412.png


Oh shyyte: here it comes.
And to the person in the inflatable costume that had the inlet of their suit sprayed with pepper spray: I hope you are OK. As much as that must have sucked, and possibly could have caused serious medical repercussions, you embodied the shallow idiocy of their position.  In no way could a bumbling inflatable costume be considered a threat, and to assault you was to show the cowardly and loathsome depth of their antisocial motivations. 


To the federal fucknugget that used pepper spray on an obviously-harmless person in an inflatable costume: Now we all know why you have no real friends and your life is empty of meaning.  You obviously don't belong in Portland.
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=[[2020.03.25 Pandemic Ponderings 1]]=
=[[2025.09.17 Bertrand Russell On Fascism]]=
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As mentioned on BoingBoing today:<br>
In 1962, Sir Oswald Mosley, leader of the British Union of Fascists, invited Nobel-winning philosopher Bertrand Russell to a debate. Mosley aimed to persuade Russell of fascism's merits.
 
Russell, who was 89 at the time, replied:


So, yeah.  That's the last frame of Taika Waititi's fascinating movie [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jojo_Rabbit Jojo Rabbit].  It resonated with me, as it shook loose a bit of my congealed feelings I've been burdened by.
<blockquote>


Weeks ago, I had been meaning to post a jokey entry about how the apparent response to the Pandemic is mostly suggested to be: <i>Be Like Clayton</i>.<br>
Dear Sir Oswald,
*OCD hand washing habits - CHECK
*Larger than usual personal space - CHECK
*Avoid gatherings with more than a few people - CHECK
*Have essentially no social life - CHECK


...but even though I used that joke a few times with some friends, it never really felt all that funny.
Thank you for your letter and for your enclosures. I have given some thought to our recent correspondence. It is always difficult to decide on how to respond to people whose ethos is so alien and, in fact, repellent to one's own. It is not that I take exception to the general points made by you but that every ounce of my energy has been devoted to an active opposition to cruel bigotry, compulsive violence, and the sadistic persecution which has characterised the philosophy and practice of fascism.


The larger worries about how the world is facing a major hurdle, combined with increasingly-confirmed fears that those in power are ill-equipped to face it, have cast my little sadnesses into sharp contrast.
I feel obliged to say that the emotional universes we inhabit are so distinct, and in deepest ways opposed, that nothing fruitful or sincere could ever emerge from association between us.


Which, of course, just makes me feel insignificant on top of sad. Which is, itself, funny - but only to the part of me that is not particularly helpful.
I should like you to understand the intensity of this conviction on my part. It is not out of any attempt to be rude that I say this but because of all that I value in human experience and human achievement.


Meanwhile: Since working from home and single-parenting kids will eat my soul, I've decided to take a psychology course from Yale online.  Brilliant!
Yours sincerely,


Bertrand Russell
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=[[2020.03.09 It's Been One Of Them Years.]]=
=[[2025.08.15 If Not Stupid, Then Why Stupid-Shaped?]]=
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Seriously, there is so much political stupidity going on.


[https://g.co/kgs/ZtzSpL It's Been On Of Them Years].
ETA:<br>
Examples?  Hell no. It would be like admitting a vampire into your home to post anything like a meaningful set.


If there is permitted to be accurate news and history recorded of this era, simple searches will reveal enough to explain.
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=[[2020.03.06 Reflecting On Who My Daughter Is]]=
=[[2025.06.25 Corporate Culture]]=
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Big changes at work. Not going to talk about that overly much - it's too boring to even write out.
 
I think I already knew, but the actual word churns up emotional trouble inside myself that I admit I am afraid of.  <br>
I should be braver, like she is.  <br>
And see the fascination within it, like she can.


We'll see where we are, and go from there.
BUT.  An aspect I find interesting is who is excited about these major changes, and who is worried about them.


Now, obviously, both reactions are simultaneously valid and possible.  I feel both myself.  But whether the excitement is more important compared to the various individual level of concern does speak to where many of us are.  Which, in turn, is strongly indicative of the sense of trust we have with the company - or our sense of trust in ourselves to offset any lack of trust in the company we have.
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=[[2020.03.02 Too Many Fucks Given]]=
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Basically, I am still struggling with how to process the notion that I will never get a leadership position in engineering at DAIMLER.  My internal drives motivating me to excel have long included management ambition in engineering.  While I know that logically I should find a way to leverage this as a form of freedom, and re-kindle some of my long-neglected interests.  But it still squats on my soul as sense of hopeless frustration.
Perhaps it would be easier to hold if the managers in engineering were more, on the whole, obviously better at managing.  Such that I could see how I do not measure up.  But it's not like that.  At all.
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Some people need to find the edges of things, instead of assuming what they might be.
RESISTANCE STATUS:
 
* US citizenship:  APPLICATION (still) PENDING
* local politics:  NULL, homeless situation correctly one of the main foci
* global politics: NULL, wait - Justin is dating Katy?  Nice.
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Latest revision as of 01:42, 10 January 2026

claytoncastle.com

2026.01.09 Men With Hats

IMG_0138_copy.png

2675399054887965559_copy.png

2026.01.02 First Day Of The New Job

Sadly, my epic new seat was not ready to set up. So I just admired the view for a minute - both out the across the river, and into my director's office at the giant Millenium Falcon LEGO set.

2025.12.30 - 2025 Wrap-Up

Fredmas Crash

On the wet and rainy morning of Fredmas, Ember and Violet were commuting to Hillsdale for school when they were the tail-end of a 5-car pile-up. Speeds were modest, and the 2018 Subaru Impreza did all the safety-engineered things to sacrifice itself such that neither kid was injured in any way.

Communication was not stellar, but Violet managed to let us know right away. So without actually having all the details up front, Amy and I knew they had a problem and could see that they were in the middle of the Fremont freeway bridge and jumped into Velma to go help. When we showed up they were the only ones there - shivering in the rain on the side of the freeway. Amy onboarded the kids to drive them the rest of the way SW, and I stayed in the shivering sideways rain for a couple hours with the wreck to wait for the tow truck. Fun times.

Some lessons learned, and Ember has yet to get back in that saddle. Scheming about how to proceed with commuter vehicle plans is still ongoing. It seems like a logical time and place to make a plug for the replacement to be an EV, but probably shouldn't push too hard. Because reasons.

Work Transformations

December as a whole has been weird with trying to finish handing work batons to their new responsible engineers. It's been the longest that I've been in any group - 10 years! - and recognize that it's going to be a long time to ever fully extricate myself.

At the same time, the new Vehicle Level Engineering role is both exciting and boggling. Frankly, it's a lot.

Simultaneously, Amy is changing shifts to stop the 5 12-hour shifts in 6 days marathon every couple weeks and jumping into 3 shifts every week with her best non-Clayton friend. We're all very excited for the shift in energy.

Other Stuff

This winter break had been bookmarked for a bunch of reading and writing plans, all of which have basically unravelled as I'm actually spending most of my time just mouth-breathing my way through the exhausting cold/flu that Ember gave me.

Now that the kids are back, I do intend to inflict all kinds of old but beloved movies on them. So there's that. There's also a butt-tonne of sugary foods from all the sources to keep me overfed while I quietly lament how few bike rides I actually went on this year.

So it goes.

Things I'm looking forward to in 2026:

  • bunches of Amy+Clayton adventure time regularly
  • diving into a dream job (should probably write a separate post about that thought alone)
  • defeating fascism

2025.11.30 Movember

IMG_0072_small.png

Not my best effort. I suspect that the grey makes it incrementally less impressive. Plus I kept trimming to avoid poking Amy so much, and the surrounding scruff softens the effect even more.

Gone now, but not missed. Other than the daily startle of seeing my dad in the mirror.

2025.10.18 No Kings

40,000 people in Portland sending a clear message.

Awkwardly, the current administration has also been sending a clear, fascist message.

2025.10.04 Federal Troops In Portland

It's really weird. Just, you know, profoundly weird.

Acknowledging for a moment the footage from 2020 looked bad - as shown on cable news. But even then that was basically constrained to a couple blocks downtown for actual protests. Meanwhile there were other simultaneous marches about police brutality throughout the city that were completely peaceful and not newsworthy.

I suppose that if one were to conflate the "hundred days of protest" in 2020 with the rising homelessness problem, one could squint and see the folks cowering in tents and vehicles and pretend there's a direct connection of some kind. I mean, other than the systematic violence done to the worker class both strip mining us for wealth and trying to overtly pit us against each other.

But in context of what is actually happening right now - which amounts to a group of 6-16 people regularly taunting ICE agents at a single building - it's wildly disproportional. Especially with the Portland Police Department stating, in court, that all the altercations they have evidence for so far are mainly cases of untrained federal agents trying to instigate meme-worthy moments with the peaceful protestors.

So the federal activation of 200 National Guard to "pacify Portland" is, well, purely for show.

Which makes Portland's main reaction one that endears this city to me even more: to be silly. Dressing up in harmless costumes, dancing, and handing out cookies. Doing whatever it takes to make the video bites nearly impossible to weaponize politically, as the fascists so clearly desire.

And to the person in the inflatable costume that had the inlet of their suit sprayed with pepper spray: I hope you are OK. As much as that must have sucked, and possibly could have caused serious medical repercussions, you embodied the shallow idiocy of their position. In no way could a bumbling inflatable costume be considered a threat, and to assault you was to show the cowardly and loathsome depth of their antisocial motivations.

To the federal fucknugget that used pepper spray on an obviously-harmless person in an inflatable costume: Now we all know why you have no real friends and your life is empty of meaning. You obviously don't belong in Portland.

2025.09.17 Bertrand Russell On Fascism

As mentioned on BoingBoing today:
In 1962, Sir Oswald Mosley, leader of the British Union of Fascists, invited Nobel-winning philosopher Bertrand Russell to a debate. Mosley aimed to persuade Russell of fascism's merits.

Russell, who was 89 at the time, replied:

Dear Sir Oswald,

Thank you for your letter and for your enclosures. I have given some thought to our recent correspondence. It is always difficult to decide on how to respond to people whose ethos is so alien and, in fact, repellent to one's own. It is not that I take exception to the general points made by you but that every ounce of my energy has been devoted to an active opposition to cruel bigotry, compulsive violence, and the sadistic persecution which has characterised the philosophy and practice of fascism.

I feel obliged to say that the emotional universes we inhabit are so distinct, and in deepest ways opposed, that nothing fruitful or sincere could ever emerge from association between us.

I should like you to understand the intensity of this conviction on my part. It is not out of any attempt to be rude that I say this but because of all that I value in human experience and human achievement.

Yours sincerely,

Bertrand Russell

2025.08.15 If Not Stupid, Then Why Stupid-Shaped?

Seriously, there is so much political stupidity going on.

ETA:
Examples? Hell no. It would be like admitting a vampire into your home to post anything like a meaningful set.

If there is permitted to be accurate news and history recorded of this era, simple searches will reveal enough to explain.

2025.06.25 Corporate Culture

Big changes at work. Not going to talk about that overly much - it's too boring to even write out.

BUT. An aspect I find interesting is who is excited about these major changes, and who is worried about them.

Now, obviously, both reactions are simultaneously valid and possible. I feel both myself. But whether the excitement is more important compared to the various individual level of concern does speak to where many of us are. Which, in turn, is strongly indicative of the sense of trust we have with the company - or our sense of trust in ourselves to offset any lack of trust in the company we have.









































































































RESISTANCE STATUS:

  • US citizenship: APPLICATION (still) PENDING
  • local politics: NULL, homeless situation correctly one of the main foci
  • global politics: NULL, wait - Justin is dating Katy? Nice.

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