2025.02.09 Identity

Been having lots of thoughts and discussions about identities lately. Which naturally, fermented in my brain as contemplation about my own identity.

Looking at it quasi-chronologically, it aggregates as something like this:

smart

Early on in school, I felt accomplished and continued to feed that throughout my life. I definitely identified as smart, and still do. Which isn't to say that hasn't had some problems - University took a big bite out my ego, and with age has come a much greater appreciation for all the things that don't come easily to me. Staying mentally sharp features prominently in my plans for the rest of my life.

creative/artistic

Also early in school, I realized that I had an eye for things that few others did. I drew prolifically, illustrating the entirety of the AIF] game system, and filling several thick sketchbooks that I prize. This also was fed by my love of creating things with LEGOs - mostly spaceships. Later this included the joy of writing, both exploring my own mind on this website but also telling stories that amuse me.

I admit that I get a bit prickly about this facet of my identity. Partially because I never really pushed it very far, which means that others that identify artistically don't really see me that way. And my low artistic output has me feeling semi-regular regrets, even though life is way too full to be too angsty about corners that aren't fitting in as well lately.

a good friend

Public school was a rough time for me, especially the move from Nelson (hippy land) to Castlegar (hockey land). I got bullied. A lot. Even my peer group for the first few years was deeply steeped in self-loathing and the result was a finely honed defensive arsenal of snide. So when I eventually managed to get some good friends, I was not great at being a friend. That is, until Dave asked my why I was habitually weilding my snide - and I was able to suddenly have the perspective of how important being seen as a good and trustable friend was to me. And since then, I have made that a cornerstone of how I engage genuinely with people.

engineer

Ever since watching The Original Star Trek as a kid, with all its technobabble, and spaceships, I've wanted to be an engineer. More than that, as I did the grind of pre-requisites and university and co-op work terms and actual engineering jobs, the sense that I can Figure Stuff Out and Make Stuff Work is profoundly fulfilling. Even as I wrestle with personal truths, and philosophical truths, I feel grounded in the tactile connection to objective truths.

It also is the main mechanism for a career-long pride in the good work I've done. Not just in solving immediate design needs, but in contributing to making the world better. First the massive improvement in efficiency of transportation, and now in the huge hurdle of moving to zero-emission transportation.

a dad

Most of my early life had a distinct absense of a drive to have kids. When my own dad died, this spurred a lot of questions in myself, and was the beginning of a foundational shift in being open to the idea. But when those little sexually transmitted parasites emerged into the world, the neurological transformation was rapid and confusing.

Essentially, even though I'm not necessarily inclined to be entirely selfish and self-centered, I was priviliged enough to get to be so without any consequences. When my kids were born, it's like a huge mad-scientist-class knife switch was thrown in my internal circuitry to assert, loudly, THEY MATTER MORE. And getting to be a dad, not just a father, has been a sublime and spiritual re-ordering of my existence. I love it. And I'll do my best to keep on being a loving, supportive dad to my kids, no matter what.

a partner

It's weird to say, but getting divorced was a huge learning experience.

Reflecting back on the first marriage, it was a steep learning curve on partnership - especially parenting. And when the marriage needed to end, we were both brave enough to continue to do the work to keep the parenting partnership healthy. It also highlighted things about myself that I now know are important to me for having a partnership.

More than just honesty and good communication, and trickier than being selfless and mindful of boundaries and needs. Because while I was finding myself in the woods of Quarantinder, I was able to recognize how much energy some things needed and how much other things sucked. As an introvert, I've long known that I have a different social energy balance than many others. But translating that to a 1:1 interaction is also important.

Long story short: being a good partner and actively nurturing that partnership is important enough to me to consider it a part of my identity. And I'm really glad to have found Amy.

Canadian

And here we have the kernal of today's Rant. I've been proudly Canadian ever since I can remember. This increased as I went to university and was exposed to more diverse international people, and felt proud of my country.

Even after [checks calendar] almost 23 years of living in the United States of America, I wear my literal maple leaf tattoo with pride. And as I contemplate US citizenship too, it causes a lot of complicated emotions. Which, combined with other current circumstances, had me going back to first principles and contemplating all this stuff.