2019.09.13 Worst Oldness Ever

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Back through most of my 20's, I did not celebrate my birthday outwardly. Nobody around me really knew when it was, or were sufficiently ill-equipped socially to remember it. It was a day of reflection for me; a private ceremony of selfish narcissism and a secret grudge against the world for my sense of otherness and not belonging.

That changed in my 30's with the advent of pernicious social media reminding everyone, friends who care about that shit, and starting a relationship with someone who is dedicated to making every occasion special. It was awkward and at odds with some of my fundamental drives, but loving and kind. And it helped me recognize my growing role in the world - no longer a selfish youth, but a sharing and supportive adult.

That's why today was so hard.

Being divorced against your will is hard enough. And reaching out in the world to try to grasp some new connections, only to have them reject you, is painful in a way I'm struggling to endure. Then the recent revelation that I will be losing my full-time access to my kids has been almost too much to stand; it feels like my footing in the world is lost. It all sucks so very much.

But then today... today...
Today was the world's way of making sure I felt all of that at the same time. Every fragment of pain had a renewed trigger; every aspect of loss was flaunted before me to not have; every insult was re-uttered by reality. So many of the fundamental ways in which I have belonged were burned before me today.

And it's not over yet. The parade of horrible feelings gets to continue for another couple days. Tomorrow is the wreckage of more hopeful plans and the gasping of fresh holes in my soul. Then the day after tomorrow is my 12th wedding anniversary, by which point I'm probably going to be contemplating seppuku with a rusty spoon.

Fuck this shit. How much more processing do I really need to do? I know the plan is to allow myself to feel all this, so that I can integrate it in a mindful way and move on while feeling complete. Which sounds super fucking enlightened. But in this moment, I definitely see the allure of temporary chemical oblivion and denial.