2017.01.28 Portland International Auto Show

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Time once again for my annual post regarding the Portland International Auto Show.

I could give a brief history of my relationship to this event, burning down from exultation to bitter jading. Or what would perhaps be more insightful and functional would be to simply give links to those older entries. But no. Partially because I don't write this to be helpful, and partially because I'm too lazy. After all the work of downloading these half-assed images and sorting them into some semblance of categories, occasionally with comment, I just don't feel like it.

But what is perhaps still telling is that I do indeed keep going back. So, obviously, I enjoy the silly thing. Much as I might disparage it for actually being just a dealer show, with nary a concept about, it clearly still has its appeal for people like myself. This year I was asked by a Russian friend if it was "fun", and I had to qualify it awkwardly. Nikita doesn't even own a car, so I'm pretty sure he's not part of my steed-obsessed clan. What would someone like him enjoy about the PIAS? No fucking idea. Probably more fun to people watch than to browse the mostly-boring cars. But maybe, as an engineer, he could still find enjoyment of the few well-designed machines that are tucked in the corners. Who knows.

All that really matters is that even though I might be comfortably numb, I still love to hear myself talk (metaphorically speaking). This year is divided up into nominal aesthetic categories, because why not.

Shitboxes I Shouldn't Like

Fiat 500 Abarth

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This is the classic example of a car I'd love to test drive, but probably could never respect even if I discovered I liked it. It's hilarious, and probably fun, and has no possibility of anywhere near enough capability on any functional axis. The people who buy these are magnificent idiots.

Ford Focus ST

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No RS? Fuck you guys.

OK, fine. I'll sit in the ST, pouting. Yeah, the driver's cockpit is moderately epic. It's undoubtedly a total riot to flog. Probably pretty reliable and moderately functional. I fucking hate it, and I fucking hate you. People who buy this are going to praise the everliving shit out of it - until the moment they can afford a real performance car, then it'll be gone fast and scarcely mentioned again without being in a safe place.

Smart ForTwo

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This new generation of itty bitty city car looks correctly updated, and manages to be just as wrong-looking as the previous generation. I do still like it - for what it is. What it is, is a minimalist means to a short-range end. It makes a perfect sharing service vehicle (#Car2Go), and it's would make a fantastic commuter. But only if it's electric. The non-electric versions of these cars suck so much as to be a joke. It's a funny enough joke to hop in and laugh at it occasionally - but sure as shit not to be the butt of daily.

At least for me. But then, I'm an elitist asshole. Logically, this is about the right level of personal transportation for most humans on the planet, and perhaps we should respect that more. The people who buy this car are more modest than I am, or don't give a fuuuuuuuuck.

Regular Sports Cars That I Should Theoretically Like

Fiat 124 Spyder

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There was a time back when I was 22, before I got Miranda (my MGB), I contemplated getting a little tan Fiat 124 Spyder. It was such a lovely little machine. I'm so glad that I didn't. In addition to being even less reliable than my MGB, it probably would have caught on fire - in the snow.

This car seems to have lots of excellent things going for it. I attribute all those to the Miata that it's based on. As I sat in it, feeling vaguely happy about its sports-car-ness, I kept asking myself if it was going to catch on fire. The people who buy this are closet Miata people, with extra special-ness.

Ford Mustang

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Oh, shit - these pony cars look really rather good to me. Nice proportions and styling I can get behind, and finally on the fucking independent rear suspension bandwagon. Not to mention the truly epic Voodoo engine in the halo GT350 version - that's some hot shit. Well done Ford. Let's just sit inside and...

Well, fuck. I shouldn't have sat inside. How do they get the Focus so right, and then let the Mustang feel so meh? I get that part of it is probably expectation - the Focus doesn't have to do much to impress in its segment. But a Mustang has to have a certain nous - it's meant to be a fighter cockpit, not a low-slung truck. Figure it out, you no-GT350, no-RS, no-GT-showing assholes. The people who buy this are stubborn jocks who peaked in high school.

Mazda Miata

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In addition to the regular soft top version, they had the swoopy B-pillar convertible targa version. The targa was roped off, but I sat myself down in the king of regular sports cars.

Yep. This car speaks to drivers. I've not driven one since my dad's first generation Miata, but this is sufficiently similar in aspect that I do not doubt it is fully epic to play with. It's a brilliant little jewel of genius.

Of course, I'm totally fucking sick of convertibles, and would kill to discard the roof mechanisms for a nice pure coupé. Luckily, I sat in one of those next. People who buy this car are fun, unless they're bald in which case they also spend way too much money on hats.

Toyota GT86

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Like the Subaru BRZ, this car hits a personal resonance for me. This is the correct car for slightly-more-affluent younger version of me. Not so powerful as to be deadly, but hella capable and fun. And utterly useless at doing anything real, which I also quite like. The dropping of the Scion brand and the FRS model name in favour of the global Toyota version seems preferable to me, even though my friends thought the stylized 86 logo was a bit confusing.

Now put a motherfucking turbo in it already, you gutless wonders.. The people who buy this are probably going to modify the shit out of it, then wreck it because it was actually better in stock form. Alas.

Awesome Sports Cars I'm Not Going To Get

Alpha Romeo 4C

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One has to wonder if this car was roped off to prevent people damaging the car, or to prevent people from embarrassing themselves trying to get into it. If it's anything like the similarly-proportioned Loti, it's not for the casual driver. Which makes it pretty awesome. As does the carbon-fiber tub at the core of the construction.

Just looking at it makes my hips ache. It's performance is a stripped-down bony middle finger to physics, and I respect the hell out of that. And, with the benefit of a time machine and piles of extra money, 20-something me would say 'fuck yeah' and promptly go get killed driving one of these. Sadly, by the time I could afford cars like this, I started to like my cars to be, well, nice. That's why I got Richthofen (my 911), and not the Lotus Elise. The people who buy this are spoiled brats or fucking stupid. Or both.

Chevrolet Corvette

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This one was the mildly terrifying Grand Sport, which has a lot of extra fuck-you fast bits bolted on. I didn't like it.

The Corvette remains a car to respect. It can do a lot, and it has some marvelous attributes. There's no denying how right this formula is for what it's meant to do. And what it's meant to do is to scare the fuck out of passengers, embarrass competitors, and fight in the front lines of the never-ending war against tires. It doesn't give a shit that it's tacky. Or that it's accessories are shitty. Or that everyone will assume your genitalia are extremely stunted in some way. People who buy this car are in waaaaay too much denial about how much they think about how other people think about them.

Subaru WRX STI

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It is possible that you might think I've categorized this car incorrectly. Why isn't this in the 'regular' sports car section? Because I love driving in the snow, bitches. And in that realm, this is one of the most fucking amazing options to have ever been conceived of by humans.

What Subaru gets right with this car, and many of their cars, is a subtle sense of letting a driver focus their attention on the important parts of driving. And when traction gets limited, the ability to keenly find the most performance is a rarified kind of joy impossible with most other cars. If I still lived in Canada, this is the car I would have right now. And I'd be grinning a lot of the time because of it.

Bonus images of why Subaru is awesome:
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Jaguar F-Type

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Holy crap the Jaguar section knows how to rock the lighting. This road-hazard-orange example was a chromatic fuck-you to everything else. I quite liked it. It helped point out how the sheetmetal must have been dreamt up by designers on the verge of a lethal overdose of Viagra. It's a fucking horny car.

Assuming you don't brain yourself on the swooping A-pillar, getting into the car reveals how pleasantly appointed and comfortable it is. Whups - too comfortable: it's an automatic. Well, that's made of fail. Get me the fuck out of this abomination. The people who buy this should have stock in Viagra.

Porsche 718 Cayman

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GAH. There it is. That's the car I would have if I was single and childless. And I would drive it everyfuckingwhere. Then drive some more. Just looking at it confirms all of my biases about cars - I prefer them to be awesome. It's gorgeous and purposeful and I'm going to stop talking now so that I don't get drool and tears on my keyboard. The people who buy this are happy.

BMW M5

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That matte black paint job is the most evil thing I've ever seen. I need that on my next apex car. Just wow.

Intimidation aside, it's too big. Which is not to say that it can't do everything I might want it to, and do it extremely well, or that I would not be extremely happy with all the ROAR SCREECH ZOOM. It's just that it is too big in two important realms - physics and my perceptions. While it is famously capable of defying physics, that's not going to change my understanding of how things will go if there's a sudden fluctuation in the traction available. Worse, the big mean boat will too often end up being stuck behind slow cars when piloted by me because I won't believe that it will fit through gaps.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe if I test drive one I'll have my misunderstandings corrected. I'll happily accept offers of test drives from local dealerships if they hate the idea of me getting this wrong. Even so, there's a reason why I'm waiting for a Model 3 instead of getting a Model S. Besides money, I mean. People who buy this are probably bankers with mistresses to impress.

BMW M3

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Um, YES. Yes, if I were not so intent on going electric for my next apex steed, it feels reasonably certain that this would be it. This car is the automotive equivalent of me, and it is only right an proper to award the M3 as my favourite car of the PIAS - again. The people who buy this are ME if anything happens to Tesla in the next year or so.

Exotic Toys I Should Adore

This section includes many shots ruined by having fencing or other barriers in the shot. Part of the blame is that I'm stubbornly using my phone for taking pictures and not some clever wide-angle lenses to bypass this limitation. But most of the blame is that the exhibitors usually don't leave enough damn room around the vehicles for clean pictures.

Acura NSX

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Finally, after a decade of waiting, I finally get to see this car in the flesh. They're right - it does look better in person than in pictures. I'm still not convinced that it succeeds at slaying Italians, but it looks legit. People who buy this are rich anal-rententive people who are afraid of catching on fire.

Porsche 911 Carrera

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Fuck me, the 991-generation is pretty. An ever-so-slight evolution of the same excellent car. The people who buy this are better than me, and I'm jealous.

Nissan GTR

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Silly Gojira, you seem to be evolving to get worse. You still look scary, but all that fine-tuned handling magic has been dialed out to post ever-more-monstrous launch mode accelerations and Nürburgring track times. People who buy this should buy stock in energy drinks.

Ferrari 458 Italia Race Something Something

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Who the fuck has the resources to race fucking Ferraris for shits and giggles? People who buy this obviously have their priorities straight.

Ferrari 488

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I used to love Ferraris. No, not just love Ferraris - yearned for a Prancing Horse berlinetta. Now I look at this and all I see is derivative styling and hilariously wealthy mechanics. People who buy this car know what their own large intestines smell like - and they like it.

Ferrari F12

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In a parallel reality, where the younger version of me actually got successful enough to have a Ferrari - and didn't immediately die in a fiery wreck - this is the Ferrari I would have matured into. An ominous, black, Darth Vader-y hell-steed whose ongoing purpose is to scream my disdain at physics an death. People who buy this could fuck your parents if they felt like it.

McLaren 570GT

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<golf clap> Oh, well-played Woking. Pip pip. What. The people who buy this have ancestors who bought children to work in mines.

Lamborghini Aventador

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Even the ghost of Ferruccio Lamborghini still loudly hates people smarter than he is. People who buy this have no fucking idea.

Mercedes AMG GT S

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-shrug- People who buy this probably have an employee discount.

Lamborhini Haracan

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Ugh. Another Lamborghini? Why did I do this to myself? Who fucking cares - it's another screaming wedge for people who don't like driving but want to go extremely fast (briefly) or be extremely loud (frequently) and then catch on fire. People who buy this need to come to terms with the fact that flaunting money only impresses people in a way that just reinforces whatever you're overcompensating for in the first place.

Audi R8

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Ja, ja, let's clean up ze screamy Italians and make zem respectable. All-in-all, really nicely done toys. People who buy these probably have clothes tailored to match.

BMW i8

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Mmmm. Pretty. People who buy this futuristic spaceship probably also considered the new NSX, but didn't feel superior enough in it.

Embarrassing Vehicles I Should Viscerally Hate

Chrysler Pacifica Hybrid

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I'm so glad this vehicle exists, to demonstrate the possibility of adding electric power to functions beyond just minimalist commuting. The hype seems well-deserved in terms of utilitarian potential. Still glaringly a US domestic product though, in terms of superficial quality. People who buy this are mostly sheep, but sensibly so.

Honda Ridgeline

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This looked really rather good overall. Structurally, this seems like a good direction for small utilitarian vehicles to go. Now it just needs electric drive. The people who buy this are more concerned with what they actually do than what they want to look like they do.

Honda Oddessey

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They sure cram a lot of unnecessary optional shit into these vans. It's like they're trying to bribe buyers to overcome the uncool stigma associated with minivans. Oh, right - they are. People who buy this have kids.

Toyota Sienna

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Ah, the extremes of minivan-ness. One so embarrassing it includes a hoist to lift your shame aboard. The other so overcompensating that it can't carry anything. People who buy this have kids.

Chevy Bolt

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Over 380 km (230 miles) of all-electric range? For a reasonable price? Bullseye. Congratulations, Chevrolet. You've made a solid contribution to the needed change in personal transportation. The people buy this are insightful leaders, and I hope this car is extremely successful.

Volvo S90

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OK, not this car exactly - imagine a long roof. A Volvo V90 wagon. For some reason, very few people like wagons in North America. Personally, I think they look rather fetching. And the V90 looks fully epic. Unreasonably pretty, even. People who buy this have to special-order it. That's not (just) a quip, it's true.

BMW i3

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Yet another year of sitting in this slice of what the future should be. I really like this little commuter, and sort of wish I could test drive one. People who buy this are of sound mind and judgement.

Audi A3 E-tron

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Take a regular car and just make it electric. Why is this so fucking hard? Why isn't this the dominant ilk of commuter vehicle already? People who buy this have their head screwed on straight.

Other Stuff

Military Kit

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Holy crap, look at the size of that cannon.

Honda Africa Twin

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Very glad that I got to throw a leg over this bike. Dreams of adventure haunt me, and this helps make the haunting more lucid.


Rocky Mountain Slayer

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Now this, THIS, I hope to buy shortly.