2016.07.04 Bathroom Wasp
Me: [Goes into bathroom, drops trou, get's to business.]
Me: [Glances at TP roll.] "Shit. That might not be enough."
TP roll: [Mockingly thin.]
Me: [Contorts to look at spare TP shelf.]
Spare TP shelf: [Nothingness stares back into my soul.]
Me: "Well, that's shitty."
My forehead: "Ow, something hit me!?"
Me: [Swats something off my head and onto the bathroom floor by my bare feet.]
Wasp: "Buzz."
Me: [Looks back at roll of bug-squasher paper.] "Dammit!"
Wasp: "Buzz Buzz." [Still on floor, possibly dazed by stench of fear.]
Me: [Desperate. Spies a hand towel. Grabs hand towel and throws it over the wasp.]
Wasp: "BUZZ!"
Me: [Still seated, because reasons, punches towel where the wasp was.]
Wasp: "BUZZ BUZZ!"
Me: [Scrunches up towel against floor to restrict wasp possibility of crawling out, proceeds to apply bug-crushing pressure.]
Wasp: ...
Me: "Whew." [Eases up pressure on towel.
Wasp: "bzzz."
Me: "Shit." [Re-applies lethal pressure on towel."
Wasp: ...
Me: [Cautiously relaxes pressure on towel.]
Wasp: "bzzz."
Me: [Realizes that the towel to too cushy to allow crushing of insect in current configuration. Props foot on top of towel bunch to immobilize venomous flying insect while, doing other things.]
Me: [Uses up all TP.] "Close call." [Relieved, pulls pants back on.]
Me: [Carefully wads up towel.]
Me: [Leaves bathroom.] "Hey, want to hear a funny story?"
Wasp: [Sneaks tip of stinger through towel and scratches my hand.]
Me: "Ow?! I think I just got stung." [Tosses towel outside, closes door. Tells story to wife and brother-in-law.]
BiL: [Heads outside, stomps on towel with shoes.]