2015.09.05 Brain Leak

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Entirely too much of my brain is tasked with nearly-continuous contemplations about cars. It would be embarrassing, except that the actual cognitive process of feeling embarrassment requires entirely too much mental power for the feeble bits of my brain left over from all the car car car car car car car car...

The horrible truth that every blog writer tries to ignore is the degree to which we post things not so much to share them as to try to lance the unrelenting thoughts in our head. To inflict these thoughts on others, so as to have a few moments of reprieve from them. Maybe.

With that happy thought, here's an absolutely idiotic list of cars I'd buy if I had entirely too much money.


TESLA MODEL S P90D

This is listed first because it is the best car in the world, and the one which I feel would contribute most to my existence. Not only as a beautiful object to enjoy driving, but also in appreciation of its philosophy. A high-performance vision of a responsible future, designed and built in North America, with room for my whole family.

Also, it needs to be said, of any car I've driven this is the one I drive best. It suits me pretty perfectly.


85D.jpg


PORSCHE 911 - restomod: road hazard orange

This is listed second only because it's the stupidest thing on this list. I'd blow half a megabuck to obtain it, then die a couple hours later in some idiotic wreck. But it's ability to bypass all reason and apply voltage-like reactions to my emotional state makes that all essentially OK. When I'm all by myself, and I am angry with existence, and lonely in my own fevered mind, and raging at my decaying limitations - there is nothing that calls to me more than this car. Here's the video that first infected me.

I wrote an email to myself and some like-minded friends about how I'd build a time machine to send this back to my younger self. Partially to replace Miranda, and partially to give myself even more time to enjoy it. But after thinking about it even more - time machine wise, the best thing would be go for a road trip in it with my dad. And to shout over the flat-6 howls about all the things that went unsaid between us, but were understood anyway.


Orange_porsche.png


MERCEDES E63 AMG WAGON

Because look at dat ass. And because, let's face it, the first-pick Tesla can't actually get me to all the remote (Canadian) destinations I want to take my family to (yet).


MB-E63AMG.png


Wait, that's it?

Yup. If I could have those three vehicles, I have a hard time imagining that I'd want to bother having anything else to own.

No Ferrari?

Nope. As much as it would horrify my younger self, the thought of caring for a prissy Prancing Horse just makes me feel weary. Sure, if I had the means to own a 288 GTO, I'd have an impossible time saying "no". And, frankly, to make it on this list tonight, it needs to be a car that's still fully-awesome with rock nicks and a grille full of bugs.

No new Porsche?

Honestly, if I couldn't get that feverish orange nightmare car, I might contemplate a new 911 Turbo for this list. But frankly the road hazard orange beauty makes all other Porschey considerations superfluous.

No off-road or work vehicles?

Part of the joke is the duty I'd force the Mercedes to perform. Which, incidentally, includes carrying my mountain bike. And that, honestly, is my preferred off-road vehicle anyway. Everything else off-road feels like a lumbering waste of time.