2010.12.12 Trespassing Existence

Dizzy. Dizzy and weak.

Still, have to make it to the bathroom.

Too dizzy. The edges of the world are going fuzzy. Shit, I'm blacking out.

A last coherent thought percolates up from some strangled corner of my consciousness: "If I black out right like this, I may hit my head on the edge of the bathtub, and I might land such that I could aspirate my own vomit and asphyxiate."

What had been annoyed worry blossoms into full-blown terror. It's probably adrenalin that prevents me from blacking out properly. My hands find the edges of the sink and the bathtub and I sink to my knees on the tiles, but it is only my physical self that is caught.

I can recall some of the kaleidescope of thoughts, but to call them thinking is horribly wrong. Fractured and random are the motes of lunacy and odd association, and they swirl in a soup of pure horror. I have never been so frightened.

I don't know how long it lasts. Forever?

As my dehydrated body manages to get some more blood flowing back into my brain, thanks to it being suitably low while pressing against the floor, my consciousness starts to be able to string together thoughts again. But all I can think about is how awful it is to be so confused and frightened. I fear death, and I fear another descent into the mindlessness. If there is a hell, it may very well be like this.

 

 

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My mind eventually came back completely, but I have been haunted ever since. The existential relief when S came back home was dwarfed by the experience of having witnessed un-being.

If you get food poisoning, be careful of the dehydration. It sucks. And makes you melodramatic.