2009.08.01 Little Lambs of Torture

File:Virgin-torture-device.jpg File:Torture-chair-1.jpg File:Baby torture.jpg

Simon has been a bit... fussy. Is that the right word? Basically he's nocturnal and is only quiet when he's being held (assuming he isn't hungry, fouled his diaper, or been looked at wrong). When I say quiet, I don't mean "happy", because he doesn't really seem to express pleasure much. It's purely "SOMETHING IS WRONG!" versus "...nothing seems wrong at this exact instant...". Not to downplay the importance of the quiet, mind you. Because even though I find his cries somewhat amusing, they do push some panicky emotional buttons for both me and mommy.

So, when we heard that the papasan-style swinging cradles had magical powers of soothing for some babies, we were out buying one immediately. The thing is so plush that you can't help but want to touch the cradle again, just in case your memory was playing tricks on you, because nothing can feel that comfy. Everybody that has seen it invariably has remarked, "I wish I had an adult-sized version of that thing." And rightly so: it just looks like sumptuous luxury.

Tell that to Simon.

You'd think that we were pulling his fingernails out with pliers whenever we try to put him in it. It didn't just fail to soothe him. Oh no: we tried putting him in it when he was relaxed and already fairly drowsy. Moments later, he's guaranteed to be in full wail from being in the thing. Not just merely his "I want to be fed" or "I want to be changed" type cry either. His lower jaw starts quivering with the intensity of his lament, and his face gets beet red with agitation. People walking by outside the house have stopped to wonder at the horrors that must be unfolding to cause such blood-curdling screams. I'm surprised police haven't visited us yet.

I wonder if the cat will like it.