2007.05.17 Success

One possible definition for success is as a measure for how close the person you are approaches the person you want to be.

I think the tricky part is when you realize how much of the person you want to be isn't actually possible as just one coherent entity. The things we want to be, unless we're completely devoid of imagination, are almost certainly inherently contradictory to some degree. Being spontaneous and adventurous one instant and stable and safe in another can seem desirable, but it can also be schizophrenic.

I suppose that one could just completely love who they already are. But, I'm far too well-acquainted with reality to see that situation as anything other than an inherently unstable system. Loving yourself is good, and important. Not being able to see any of your own flaws as negative means that you're trapped by them.

On the other extreme, it can be bad to only focus on what's wrong. Sure, there's guaranteed to be a whole hell of a lot that's wrong. It's a bottomless pit that can suck a person in so that they never really escape. Every person who gets sucked into this kind of vertigo of depression can't escape; if they appear to emerge, it will necessarily be because they've become a different person.

But that's the nature of living, I guess. Every day we become different people: people who have lived through one more day than our previous selves. Hopefully, that day we've managed to live in a way that demonstrates how we are like the people we want to be.

Personally, I reconcile my disparate aspirations by imagining how it could be possible to achieve each of them individually, even though my actual life path is necessarily a compromise in order to approach as many of my ideal selves as possible.

Trust me: it's better for everybody that way.

Still, it has to be pointed out that however it's measured, success is something that most people end up feeling viscerally. Sometimes we feel successful, other times not. If we're fortunate, we really are successful AND manage to feel that way too.

After visiting my dad, and knowing that he not only loves me but also likes and respects the person I've become, I feel pretty damn successful.