2006.09.12 A Survey I Found

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Are You Curious

About Yourself?

...said the flyer I spotted lying on the floor of the bathroom stall, on top of a newspaper.

The answer being, of course, yes - because I'm about as self-centered as they come. And, as much as I do like rambling on about myself, I was quite interested in what the authors of this flyer had to say about the enrapturing topic of ME.

Fill out this FREE Personality Test.

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Discover the factors about yourself that cause you stress.

Just fill out this questionnaire and send it in. You will receive an in-depth, accurate analysis of the results of your test from an expert evaluator, obligation-free.

Er, sounds dodgy, doesn't it? Clearly, whoever created this flyer has no real intention of appealing to anybody with any intelligent discernment or self-awareness. Still, I had nothing better to do, so I unfolded the flyer to look at the questions.

1. Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations which you later regret?

Not really, no. I generally don't regret my thoughtless remarks or accusations.

2. When others are getting rattled, do you remain fairly composed?

Generally, yes. Especially when I'm the one rattling the others.

3. Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or dictionaries just for pleasure?

Well, that depends on how mind-numbingly bored I am. Speaking of which, I think I'll just scan down the questionnaire a bit looking for good bits, if there are any...

6. Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles, when there is no logical reason for it?

OK, that's just stupid. I assert that there is always a logical reason for muscle twitches, and it's just a matter of knowing what that reason is. And, I'm pretty sure its more of a physiological reason than a personality one. Which leads me to suspect that this question is more about picking out people that are stupid.

11. Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch?

Who the hell is so stupid that they don't realize that varying their voice's pitch is a skill, not a personality trait? Aside from some of the respondents, I wonder if perhaps the writers are precisely that stupid.

42. Do you take reasonable precaution to prevent accidents?

What sort of answer are they really expecting for this? "No, my precautions are completely unreasonable." Or maybe they're looking to single out losers. Nice, questions for stupidity and loserness. Great questionnaire.

47. Have you any particular hate or fear?

You mean besides sick bastards obviously looking for weak-minded, limp-willed morons to prey upon?

68. Do you enjoy activities of your own choosing?

Casually, one might mistake this question as probing for possible masochistic tendencies. But, really, what's a masochist going to say? Because, even though they're hurting themselves, they technically still enjoy it. So, basically, this is a retarded question.

89. Are there some things about yourself on which you are touchy?

TRANSLATION: Are you a human being, or an emotionless robot? Although, considering the background intellect of the questionnaire in general, this might actually be a question about masturbation.

You might also be starting to wonder how many questions there are on this thing. 200 Most of which are poorly-worded, such that the possible interpretations likely render the responses largely meaningless. And, somehow, I doubt that this is a well-researched clinical set of questions with empirically-validated studies certifying it.

Let's just bop through a few more highlights, and see what we find...

110. Is your facial expression varied rather than set?

A question about Botox, perhaps?

162. Would you like to "start a new activity" in the area in which you live?

There's really two answers to this, isn't there, and they're not mutually exclusive. A) Yes; unless it's about traveling, who wouldn't rather start something nearer rather than far away? B) No, I don't want to be your foolish minion doing your bidding near my home.

168. Could someone else consider that you were really active?

Leading, much? Aliens could arrive suddenly in ridiculous spaceplanes that look like Douglas DC-8 airliners. A pluton-sized object traveling at near-luminal could smack into the Earth right now, making this page the last thing you ever see. Everybody in the Middle East could have a simultaneous and lasting surge of conscience, creating perpetual peace in the region. So, it's only a matter of imagination to determine if someone could consider pretty much anyone active. Obviously, the writers of the survey want the person taking the survey to think that they're active, or at least think that the "expert evaluator" might think that they're active. There's a fun little dopamine rush for the respondent - plus a cognitive wedge for the person to be manipulated into doing things, in order to appear consistent.

174. Are you usually truthful to others?

Not on surveys like this.

185. Are you sometimes convinced of the correctness of your opinions about a subject even though you are not an expert?

While this seems like a legitimate personality question to me, it also seems to me that it's something that the writers of this survey identify with strongly.

Enough of that.

NOW RE-FOLD THIS PAGE WITH THE ADDRESS ON THE OUTSIDE, TAPE IT SHUT AND MAIL IT IN. WE WILL CALL YOU AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE IT AND SET UP AN APPOINTMENT FOR YOUR CONFIDENTIAL TEST ANALYSIS.

Woo. Joy.

CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY

Yeah, not exactly a surprise.

I've never really thought much of the Church of Scientology, seeing as how they're obviously loons. However, this survey has helped me see the mechanism by which they manage to be self-selecting about having stupid losers as members. It all makes sense, really.

The main question remaining, of course, is whether I should submit the survey - as an opportunity to be mean to these stupid losers.