2006.01.29 2006 Portland International Auto Show

I love cars. They are one of the few things that can draw me out of my hermit shell and actually tolerate being in a crowd - such as at the local annual auto show. It's especially keen of late because I'm nearing the probable apex car of my car-owning trajectory, and I'm intensely contemplating what form I want that pinnacle of Clayton Steed-dom could be. Hence my infatuation with the Portland International Auto Show for the past few years I've been here in Oregon.

In my previous visits, I was almost psychotic with enjoyment, rabid with obsession, and drowned in my own saliva. Simply, I've had a really really great time. This time, however, was different. In my previous three visits, S went with me, and having her present to listen to my babbling made the whole process more involved and enjoyable. Sadly, she was away for this event, so I went by myself. But, there was more to it than just that.

Let me tell you about it.

Porsche Cayman S

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Ah, the all-new Porsche Cayman. I've been drooling over these quite a bit lately. It's a real Porsche's Porsche. It has the "just what I need to drive really fast... and be comfy" aesthetic that gets a little lost in the Carrera. It's actually a little bit creepy how well the Cayman conforms to my classic ideal sports car. The part I like the best is how the car has so much Cool™ oozing from it, that by sitting in it you are smeared with Cool™ yourself and walk around for a while afterwards being Cool™ too.

But, as I set sequentially in the Boxster, the Cayman, and the Carrera, I started to feel irritable. These weren't really cars I could have. OK, sure, I could get the Boxster in the time frame I'm thinking of, but I really want a coupé - so it's out. The Carrera present, besides being a cabriolet, also represented an iteration of Carrera that I wouldn't be able to afford unless I delayed my plans for at least another 4 or 5 years. But the most painful realization is that the Cayman would require me to wait a couple more years as well. They're just too new and cool, and as such are fetching a premium price that puts them safely out of my reach for the time being. And that pissed me off.

I promised myself that I would do a web-search for some 2002 Porsche Carrera 4S's (my current prime target) when I got home, and stalked away from the Porsche Paddock not yet willing to admit to myself that I wasn't having fun at the car show.

Lotus Elise

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Unexpectedly, the next car I stumbled across was the demonic Lotus Elise. They're not pretty, but they're easily the most extreme driving toy within my probable sphere of acquisition. And they speak to me, in a way purely in the reserve of sport motorcycles, Ferraris, and little English sports cars. That crazed imp the lives inside me glows with glee whenever I see one of these things.

There actually wasn't a Lotus dealer represented at the car show; this was the display of a rental company. Talking with the smiling representative, I soon learned that I could not, in point of fact, rent the Lotus at the current time. They required a substantial deposit via credit card, and I abstain from large credit cards on principle. A trifle, to be sure, as I'm sure it would be easy enough to increase my credit limit sufficiently, or just arrange for the deposit in cash. Still, it punctured my wee balloon, which was still recovering from the feeling of being denied communion with the Porsches.

I found myself casting a baleful eye over the Hethel Spawn, and knew that I was marching towards death. I can no longer sleep comfortably while draped over a tree limb, I doubt I could dangle from a chin-up position for over 5 minutes, and I strongly suspect that a long-distance road trip in the minimal seats of the Elise would be miserable. This truth would only be more likely to assert itself over the coming years, and would make a long-term relationship with the Lotus increasingly difficult. I grumbled to myself, speculating idly about the possible timing of the Lotus Europa S to North America, and continued stalking.

BMW M Roadster

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I reeled into the BMW paddock next, not expecting much of anything other than a reassuring sit in and communion with an M3. The 3-series M car was my obvious Next Car after I fell in love with Grendel, and I still have nothing but affection and respect for them - even though my ambitions now seem to be leading me to more exotic candidates. I suspect that the current M3 will disappear soon, and be replaced with an M4 - using BMW's new designation for even numbers for coupés. That would also likely mean a new V8 engine inducted from the 5-series for an appropriate step in power. Which would be the farewell to the very fine 3.2 litre inline-6 engine that has served the current M3 so well.

I was so wrong. There was no M3 present. Instead there was a near fantasy creature instead - a Z4 instilled with the old M3 engine, transforming it into a 0-100 km/h in 4.9 seconds monster. And, let's be honest: that's my kind of monster. Alas, it is still just a convertible, which is not what I'm looking for. Also, the Z4 styling is something that I only like from certain angles at certain times, with a long-hood issue of poor visibility that I don't like. Still, the interior feel had that solid and pleasant feel I've come to expect from Bavaria. Perhaps that was just an added barb to the feeling that this still wasn't a car for me.

Audi S4 and RS4

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I was sort of ambushed in the Audi paddock. At first I bee-lined for the A3, as I'm fantasizing about having one of these as the "extra car" after I am able to stop driving the Apex Steed incessantly. Just a fantasy, mind you, because I'm probably going to spend too much on the Apex Steed. I actually liked the cramped but utilitarian feel of the A3, and it was not crossed off of that imaginary Second Steed list. Then I spotted the bright yellow S4, and felt compelled to wander over.

OK, I realize that technically these cars qualify for most of my requirements for potential Apex Steed. But they also fail one major category - too many damn doors. Sitting in the S4, which I'm assured is an all-wheel-drive monster with some serious scoot, its demeanour is that of commuter. It's not a bad thing, in and of itself, it's just that as the setting for planned fantasies of driving exotica I'd hope for something a little more fighter cockpit-ish. The bad thing, I can say with absolute certainty, is that it also comes off as a commuter with BLING. Take your basic commuter, and add shiny bits. Hell, just look at the chromed mirrors on the S4 and I defy you not to wince. Besides, stuffing that big engine in that short hood makes for less-than-ideal visibility because of the bubble-nose shape. My overall impression was, "meh".

Then I noticed the RS4. It's supposed to be a badder-ass version of the S4, which is certainly intriguing. I'd never heard of it before, and wondered what vaunted powers it might have - and if they would be sufficient to overcome my disdain of the S4's shortcomings. Alas, not only was the car largely inaccessible, there's no hard information on it. So, this display only really served as a taunt.

Doing a bit of investigation since the show, I now know that the RS4 has a 420 HP V8. That sounds impressive, until they also mention that the RS4 accelerates from 0-100 km/h in 4.8 seconds. That's pretty much the same acceleration as the other candidates for potential Apex Steed... and they all have 100 less horsepower, at least. How freakishly heavy must that Audi be?

Well, if we're going to talk heavy, let's talk heavy...

Mercedes AMG55

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This is the highest performance version of the SLK I'm vaguely considering. It's an automatic. It only comes as an automatic. Can you hear me gagging?

I was hoping for another SLK sit to reaffirm my impressions of them, but this car was locked up. Yeah, screw you too, Mercedes. This is one of the few cars in your line I actually like, and it's also one of the few cars I don't get an employee discount on. Coincidence? Cosmic sign? I don't believe in such contrivances, but I do believe that you're making it increasingly unlikely that I'll consider one of your products despite my intimate professional connection. I wandered on.

Bentley Beast

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You probably can't grasp the sheer size of the Bently with a mere photograph. I must confess a certain respect for a car that is essentially just a 2-door coupé, with enough mass to qualify as a battleship. Those wheels? Guess how big they are. Go on, guess. If you don't know wheels, let me tell you that common economy cars usually sport 13-15" wheels. Sports cars often have 16" wheels, and I upgraded Grendel's wheels to be 17". Homie-mobiles and exotic sports cars often have 18" and 19" wheels. These are 24" wheels. This car is hyoooooge. I only took this picture for the amusement factor, because it did cheer me up a bit to think of something so completely and unabashedly not the car I'm looking for.

Ford GT

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Weeelll... what have we here? The supercar from the venerable car company that is circling the drain. I spotted one of these at last year's show, and was impressed with it, despite my knowledge that it would suck inside. This year, there were fewer crowds and I got a better vantage point. I'm even more impressed with it. It's just so much more purely what I think American sports cars should be - brawny, but simple. And gorgeous, because the Ford GT is indeed gorgeous.

It was hard not to be struck with a poignant dejection that Ford could at long last recapture what was great about automobiles, and then stumble low such that the car would probably be axed. It's made even more miserable by my particular loathing of Corvettes - I respect them, but I never - ever - want a sports car where the designers think that it's a good idea to have an electric-only door latch.

It also conspired with Acura's lack of an NSX to show. Even though I can't possibly afford a new NSX, the body is still virtually identical to any older NSX I might contemplate owning. Just more taunting denial.

Dodge Viper

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Now here's another beast worthy of respect. Except that this car embodies something that even I am not foolish enough to contemplate. 510 HP is officially something I cannot realistically control with a purely rear-wheel-drive vehicle. Why? Because I suck. Obviously.

Saturn Sky and Pontiac Solstice

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I'd been looking forward to peeking at these cars, because I generally approve of car companies continually making new sports cars. From a distance, both of these are really cute vehicles. I knew before hand that they're both woefully underpowered to possible qualify as my Apex Steed, but I wanted to see how the next generation of toys was coming along. I'm here to tell you that these cars are for suckers, not drivers.

Yeah, they're both very attractive, especially the graceful curved nose of the Solstice and both of their sculpted rear decks. Upon closer interior inspection of the Solstice (the Sky was roped off), the material appeared to be recycled plastic milk bottles formed by a grade school class with cheap scissors. Baaaaad. Over 15 years after the smack-in-the-head that Mazda gave the industry with the successful Miata, and they're still not realizing that modern sports car owners appreciate things being well built as well as cute. All of you corporate people at General Motors responsible for turning these beautiful ideas into pathetic crap should go to your rooms and don't come out until you've thought about what you've done. You stupid bastards.

I won't even dignify the Cadillac SLR with a photograph. It was just a longer, pointier Corvette with none of the charm. I think it can be blamed on the same stupid bastards, though.

Volvo XC90 - interpretation

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All right, I admit that this made me smile. This Volvo SUV is made out of Legos.

And another smile came from...

A Vintage Sports Car Cockpit

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Wandering finally through the racing display, I came across this old Chrysler with the transmission so proudly included in the cockpit. Simply wonderful, to this surly engineer's eyes.

And that's about it.

I went to the Portland Auto Show expecting to partake in a quasi-religious enthusiast car communion, and ended up feeling mostly like an outsider. The exotics I sidled up to disdained me, and the non-contenders disgusted me. There was palpable relief when I finally climbed back in Grendel, and roared away. I still maintain my lofty aspirations for replacing him, but I feel very happy to have him for a while longer - with his solid feel, good all-around performance, modicum of essential utility, reliability, and style. And familiarity. There's something good about familiarity that should never be forgotten.