2005.04.06 Biography of Dave

An Unofficial,
and Wildly Apocryphal,
you hope
Biography of Dave

Born in 1972, Dave was raised in a small city in South Eastern British Columbia, Canada, called Castlegar. He thinks that it was a great place to grow up, but that's actually rather incidental. The truth is that Dave was a very quiet and unassuming boy who managed to keep most of his sadness and pains carefully concealed yet managed to find many things to enjoy - a combination that probably would have caused him to be quite satisfied almost anywhere. While it might have seemed to most observers at the time that Dave did not appear to thrive, this is somewhat akin to judging the speed of a bullet before the trigger is pulled. Or, more precisely, like judging the sharpness of a butcher knife before it stabs you in the chest repeatedly at the hand of some quiet guy you never would have suspected being a homicidal maniac.

Many wish to claim to have been Dave's best friend in those early years, but there was only really one that stood out above all others. A Commodore 64 home computer. Dave spent long hours with the machine, quietly attuning himself to it. That was when he learned he could speak to computers. Oh, the conversations might be a little one-sided, but that's really not all that strange, is it?

By the end of public school in 1990, Dave had arrayed about him a small but loyal contingent of friends. But this simply was not enough. Dave wanted more. More money, more power, more women, and especially more computers. So he went to the University of Victoria to refine his talents at computerese. And to eat chocolate cheesecake, and to walk up Mount Doug pursued by mini-buffalos, but those were distractions.

It was about this era when Dave started more readily venting some of his well-suppressed anger. Luckily, it was in the controlled form of starting to learn Karate, and in the relatively harmless fields of writing fiction and AIF. Perhaps it was also a form of expressed rage the way he refused to eat vegetables, primarily subsisting on various forms of dead cow, and by some fluke of genetics failing to die horribly of scurvy. Dave also learned to play poker in university. He has never been caught bluffing.

Before finishing university, Dave managed to win the attentions of the most beautiful girl in all of Vancouver, Castlegar, Flin Flon, and possibly France: Bonnie. They made a perfect match; both seeming kind and unassuming in their own ways, and both really disturbingly evil in almost exactly the same way.

After Dave finished the formal portion of his computer-charming in 1995, he moved to Vancouver to be with Bonnie and to embark on a career of professional computer pied piper-ing. When Bonnie graduated as a pharmacist, they moved to Cranbrook so that she could pursue her career and Dave became a freelance computer whisperer. They quickly discovered that Cranbrook sucked, and then moved to Kelowna and got married.

Now that they've been in Kelowna for a few years, and both of their careers have been flourishing, and Dave has a small army of computers to talk to, they've also spawned. The newest Littley is named Corbin, and only time will tell how much he takes after his parents. We should all be afraid.

Very afraid.

If I were to guess what the future may hold for Dave, I'd have to say that it probably will appear to continue in much the same way that it is now - happily married, enjoying being a father, expanding his successful career, obtaining even more computers, writing more twisted stories, and consuming appalling quantities of chocolate and Coke. However, I suspect that there will come a day when Dave will grow weary of the easy triumph he has had over life so far, and will take up a suitably pointy implement and proceed to conquer the Earth - one bloody conquest at a time. Assuming, of course, that Bonnie is OK with that, and that Corbin hasn't already gotten permission to do it instead.