2002.11.03 A Definition Of Love
It was a day filled with contemplation, and reflection. I think that I shall transcribe some of what I've been thinking about, in an attempt to affirm to myself that I am not completely lost.
THE DEFINITION OF LOVE
This is a personal definition only.
For me, love is when someone or something matters more to me than myself.
That's it.
I don't need the subject of the feeling to reciprocate. Indeed, the absence of reciprocation in the definition is a fundamental part. For me, if I only deem someone important if they seem to love me, it simply is not love that I feel. It's too much like blackmail, and it's not honest enough to qualify. I believe it is only love if what I feel is based on what they actually are, and not just because they're kissing my ass. Admittedly, I can easily develop a strong affection for someone who behaves as though they love me, but I might not love them back. If someone's feelings change, I might have an emotional reaction but I don't think that it should change what they really are. I believe that I am a distinct enough entity that my feelings are completely separate and wholly inside my own heart, and that something as fundamental as love is not granted or revoked by me based on anyone else's mood. If I love someone, and it is because of who they are, then their feelings are only garnish. This is also, amusingly, why I am certain I can love inanimate objects and imaginary things.
I don't even need to like the subject of my love. This cruel reality has been proven repeatedly in past relationships. How much I like someone is a continuously variable measure, and when things go poorly it can certainly delve into the negatives. Nevertheless, the importance of what I love is not so easily affected, and is the foundation for my patience and tolerance.
For me, love is not directly coupled to joy. While it is true that more extreme emotions are clearly connected to those that I have strong feelings for, there is no simple path from joy to love, or from love to joy. This contradicts many of my youthful fantasies about what love would entail. Still, I think that most worldly people will acknowledge that love opens one to be vulnerable to the most poignant miseries as well as the most meaningful happiness.
There is a subtle barb to my definition of love. By virtue of someone or something being more important than I am, this can cause difficulty in deciding how to act. Which, as everyone who knows me understands, is the entire point behind the significance of this day. How do I reconcile what people say they want with what I perceive to be best for them? To muddy things further, it is even more difficult when:
- I am very certain that I am correct, as I usually am,
- doing what is best for them hurts me and makes them temporarily sad,
- doing what they want makes us both briefly happy.
My heart bears the scars from facing this conundrum several times, and occasionally failing.
I've argued about the definition of love many times, and gradually come to the realization that it is quite different for everyone. This diversity in individual concepts of love is, in my opinion, one of the primary sources of conflict in relationships. I think that most people assume that everyone else thinks of love in the same terms that they do, and that this causes people to misunderstand each other. Sadly, this realization has come to me only recently. I hope that some day I have an opportunity to make use of it.
Another realization I've obtained is that my one-sided definition of love has blinded me. It is a very useful way to understand my own heart, and to weigh my actions with. In my arrogance, I've even thought less of those whose definition of love requires reciprocation because of its conditional nature. I think that hauteur was possible because of the almost-continuous string of fantastic relationships I enjoyed throughout most of my young-adult years. There was very little time that I spent where I did not feel loved. That is no longer so. I am growing to appreciate that feeling loved is a significant factor in my emotional health, and I suspect that is why others tie it to their definition of love.
Feeling loved is very difficult to describe. I know that there are those who love me - but it is an intellectual thing, and not present enough in my life to allow me to feel it. Feeling loved is much like basking in the sun. Being told that the sun is radiating at you, or seeing images of it, or even brief flashes of sunshine don't warm you. When it's present for a while, you don't need to see it - you can just feel it.
I haven't felt it for, well, pretty much exactly one year.