2001.10.02 Zen Art of Speeding

All right, most everyone will agree that all it takes to "speed" is to exceed the posted speed limits. I contend, however, that there is a great deal more to the subject than just your velocity relative to the semi-arbitrary signs that stand on the side of the road. Since I find that I am FAR from alone in my super-legal velocities, I would like to share some of my hard-earned wisdom with the other lunatics that I am forced to share the roads with.

Part 1 - Safety First

Unless you're trying to commit seppuku, it is generally wisest to contain your need-for-speed with some simple rules of moderation. First, you need to have at least one active brain cell. If you're not thinking, you shouldn't even be on the road - much less speeding. By actively thinking about what you are doing, and considering the situation, you will at least have an option of avoiding harm. There are three main things that should be constantly contemplated in terms of safety: skill, tools, and setting.

Setting

The pivotal one is setting. Ask yourself: Is this the time and/or place to be speeding? If you are in a residential area during a time of high activity, the answer should automatically be NO FUCKING WAY. If in traffic, travelling much faster than the rest of the cars around you significantly increases your risk of trouble - each one of those drivers is a random element that might suddenly try to kill you. Of course, if there's a nice big gap, I like to separate myself from the rest of the idiots as much as possible... Aside from population, road surface and weather conditions are also important to keep track of. A dry summer night with no traffic and smooth roads - have fun! You just have to keep track of how the road changes, and take serious heed to corner-warnings that look like pretzels, and to the treachery of precipitation. Don't be one of those morons that thinks they can take a corner at the same speed in torrential rain as they do in hot dry conditions - that's just a Darwinian mechanism to take care of the unworthy.

Tools

The easiest factor to gauge is what tools you have to perform your speeding - what is your vehicle capable of? This is a combination design and condition. Some vehicles are simply designed to perform better than others, and are also dependant on the terrain. Dr. Porsche's creations should not be chased on pavement in earnest with anything built in Korea. Likewise, cheap disposable cars are preferable for roaring around on gravel roads. The condition of your steed is also of great importance, especially since it is the aspect of the vehicle that can change while you drive. Pay careful attention, and you can help yourself (and your mechanic) a great deal - and stay safer.

Skill

Most difficult of all is skill - do you have any? Absolutely minimum requirement: you must pay attention!!! Other than that, I'm afraid to say that pretty much the only way to really be good at speeding is to take some risks and to put yourself in danger. Don't kid yourself - there's a lot more to driving fast than just pressing the pedals and aiming the wheels. Skill isn't necessary for going fast, but it is important for avoiding coming to an abrupt and plastically-deforming stop. When something goes wrong, as things tend to in this universe, sometimes it is only skill and experience that will let you save yourself. There are some good systems that help compensate for some lack of skill - anti-lock brakes, traction control, and automatic-stability systems - but they aren't on every vehicle, and they can fail. If you don't know how to recover from oversteer, or understeer, LEARN in a safer setting before you risk it someplace more dangerous. The best thing you can do for yourself is to drive a cheap POS in a remote spot, with slippery surfaces, and no severe hazards lurking on the sides.

Of course, these three topics are closely interconnected. With a change in any one, the others must automatically be re-considered. Particular combinations are important - for instance, if it starts to snow you should reflect on the snow worthiness of your vehicle, and on your sliding-driving skills, and re-assess what is your new acceptable speed. Here's a hint: it should be slower.

Parting thoughts for this safety spiel:

• Intersections are where MOST accidents happen - approach them with care.
• If you really are speeding, that seat belt should be useful for keeping you in place while you drive (lateral forces should exist), as well as keeping you from "becoming one" with the windshield - wear it.
• When the first cold-weather conditions hit, do yourself and everyone else a favour and start braking earlier. Don't wait until you slide through a stop sign or into someone else to remember what it was like last year.

Part 2 - How To Avoid Speeding Tickets

It's really not that hard, as long as you PAY ATTENTION!

Yeah, I know I've mentioned this before, but it's important enough to mention again.

Let me back up.

If you REALLY don't want a speeding ticket - like, the points on your license are comparable to your IQ, and you'll be walking if you get caught again - just don't exceed the posted speed limit (moron). Got a body stuffed in your trunk? Same thing goes. Fumes from your breath can sterilize cutlery? I hope you get caught, just not for speeding.

Everyone say this out loud: "I might get a speeding ticket if I go faster than the posted speed limit." Understand this fully before bothering to ingest anything else I might say.

There are, however, ways to minimize your risk. My personal speeding-liturgy goes as follows:

1. If you have any "detector" type gizmos in your favourite speed-steed - turf 'em. They'll do you absolutely no real good. Sure, you'll detect some store security systems, and maybe even the occasional photo-radar van, but other than that they're just a waste of perfectly good blinky lights. Back when radar guns emitted enough leak radiation to render most police officers glow-in-the-dark, sure - these things worked fine. Times have changed. Pulse radar makes your good old radar detector nearly useless (unless you have a line of suckers in front of you). Laser sensors are unstoppable (if you're speeding in their sights). I've seen ads for "laser detectors" - they're a load of garbage. No such beastie exists in physics - unless the laser EXACTLY hits the detector, and well, it's WAAAAY too late by then. Jammers? You could build one yourself that would foil some radar, but you certainly can't buy one that's mass-produced AND functional - no government would allow that.
2. If you're not CERTAIN that there isn't a police officer that can nab you, don't speed. This is where the PAY ATTENTION part comes in. Observe a stretch of road immediately before you (preferably while not speeding yet). No radar traps snuggled in the trees? No cruisers prowling about? Accelerate towards the chosen (preferably safe) speed that you wish to achieve.
3. NEVER speed such that you can't haul your speed back down to innocent levels in short order, and within your observable path. This means slowing down for corners so that you aren't surprised by cruisers on the corner. Ditto for blind hills.
4. Treat all other vehicles as potential police cruisers until you prove them to be otherwise. This means stomping on the brakes for every pair of headlights that appears until you can tell yourself confidently "not a cop".

Now, I admit that there are some downsides to this technique.

• It guzzles gas.
• It wears your brakes slightly faster (than most people's).
• It makes you look like a freak to other drivers, and your passengers too if you don't tell them what you're doing.
• It's just not as much fun as going as hard as you can.

Of course, on the positive side, it really is quite effective. Others try to speed UNTIL they see a trap or a cruiser, but it's just not as effective - even though it can be an amusing test of reflexes between speeder and police. (Though, billowing clouds of tire smoke pouring out of your wheel wells is a bit of a giveaway.) There's also the common "find a sucker" technique, but that's utterly useless most of the time. Suckers tend to not respond fast enough, and you both end up getting caught. I do like using the sucker technique - but only because I think messing with a Mustang driver's mind is worth the risk of a ticket.

If you're not driving to avoid getting caught, odds are that you'll get caught a bit more often. The only speeding tickets I've gotten in the past 6 years have been when I foolishly relaxed from this regimen. Just recently, I was following a pack of cars on a major freeway, and speeding along with them. With a sleepy beautiful girl resting her head on my shoulder, I was quite complacent to just drive as smoothly as possible - which clearly contravenes the list above. An oncoming cruiser saw all of us, went eenie-meenie-miney... Hi Moe!
Why was I picked out of the crowd? Doesn't matter - it's just the way the game is played, and that's risk I took. If you're going to play, you have to be willing to lose occasionally.

Part 3 - Machine Empathy

This term was originally coined by my fellow Pillar Of The Technocracy, Ulrich Hissen.

Quite simply, this means having a fundamental and dynamic understanding of a machine's functioning. Beyond obvious visual cues, it also means paying attention to the sound, feel, and even smell the machine. This fundamental understanding is absolutely necessary for being able to respond appropriately in difficult situations when driving a car.

I realize that this sounds like solopsistic jargon, but the boundary at which we consider our "self" is the crux of the idea. Perhaps a couple examples will make this clearer.

Consider the average driver (and, de facto, the average speeder). Their constant and rarely altered concept of "self" is their biological body. For them, cars are simply a conveyance. The world they interact with is the steering wheel, the pedals, the dashboard controls and indicators, and what snippets of information they can percieve through the windshield. To these people, speeding is merely an arbitrary orientation of one of the needles on their dashboard, and they manipulate the controls of the vehicle to achieve the conveyance that they want. When something starts to go wrong, they are generally utterly oblivious until they sense something drastic - like they're not moving in the direction that they are pointing. This is because of the limitations of their perceptions.

Now consider the Zen driver. Once strapped into their steed, their "self" becomes the boundary of the vehicle itself. This is an important mental difference. Instead of manipulating the steering wheel, the steering wheel, steering column, and steering gear merely become a link along with the hand, arms, and shoulders that connect the mind to the front tyres. That has the significance of transforming a vibration in the steering wheel into an instinctive and instantaneous understanding of the road's surface and tyres performance. While not as sensitive as a human's normal skin, the "through the seat" feel of the vehicle is another important extension of "self". Slight shifts in momentum and various vibrations become a sense of the world with which the vehicle/driver gestalt is interacting. The sounds of the powertrain and running gear become meaningful, as much as the grunts, panting, and creaking joints of a runner.

Aside from having performance-enhancing qualities, this altered mindset has other benefits as well. It can free the driver from normal human limitations, and allow a sense of simple joy at the speed and grace of a thoroughbred with supernatural prowess.

Honestly, this seems like the opposite to the trend that I've witnessed others follow. I've been horrified by those that even seem to try to withdraw inwards from even their own bodies. For the sake of trying to ignore what they're doing, they attempt to disassociate themselves from various portions of their physical selves. I suppose that this is done as a defense mechanism, as it would allow a much higher tolerance of pain and revulsion. Nevertheless, I contend that this is to the detriment of all. I feel that much worthwhile attention and utility would come from people extending their sense of self to include more than their bodies, or their family, or even just their own species...

Went a little too far there? Perhaps. That idea is uncomfortably close being a "hive mind" for this loner. Still, I aspire to be able to consider more than just my unimportant "self". I dare you to try it too, even if only to improve your driving.