2000.12.01 Dark Little World

The world seems to fade away...
Self-centered concerns collect about this time and this place, and concentrate on all that feels wrong. I feel a small world about me, existing only as far as my failures and deficiencies care to illuminate. It is a dark existence, ringing with the sounds of my silly sobs and the wheeze of my lonely breath. My heart aches, as if squeezed by the confining edges of my dark little world.

Why do I always feel like such an outsider, and outcast?
Why am I never satisfied with what I have?
Why do I feel so alone?
Why do I think that I shall always be alone in the most important ways?
Will I never escape the feeling that I'm somehow failing?

The questions chase each other around my dark little world, and the pulse of their scampering drums and echoes in my ears. I squint my eyes closed as if to shut out the dark little world, even though I know it actually exists inside.

Something within me awakes.
I open my eyes, and drink in the world around me. Not the dark little world that haunted me, but the "reality" we all are forced to share instead. I hear the drone of others, and the sounds of life. I smell the crisp tang of existence, and taste it on my own breath. I feel the strength of my limbs, and the power that surges through my veins. I smile my evil smile.

The dark little world exists still, and I can still see it. It shall always be, for it is made of truths. Yet, in the light of all that I think and sense, it is revealed for what it really is: a joke. Not a nice joke, but a funny joke anyway. It makes me laugh - that I can feel these things in the midst of such a good life. Perhaps it is meant to be so; to allow me comparison for all the joy that I draw from life.

Of course, even though I find it funny, that doesn't mean that I won't try to think of a way to get even...