2:07 NSG - friendzone Part 1

A mere 2 days after the Fucktard event, NSG surprised me with an "OK, I'm recovered now. Let's be friends."

I honestly had no idea about how to hold it. I was still in shock from the fucktardening, and assaying the ongoing heartbreak. Holding on to my few secure emotional truths, I could see that there were precious few options. There was no facing myself in the future if I did not choose to have as much NSG exposure as would be permitted. Recognition of the fact that I no longer feared heartbreak also made it easy to move forward.

So it came to be that I proudly wore my crown as the reigning king of the friendzone, and spent time hanging out with a woman that I loved. It was frequently happy, even as it tested my heart's indestructibility. The central mantra of this time was admitting that I am a fucktard, and to always try to see how NSG was right.

Because this cannot be stated enough: NSG was always right. She was also often wrong, but the way she negotiated the conundrums of not-being-right-yet was done by virtue of a rock-solid philosophical method of being open to truth. What was frequently remarkable to me was that even when I was mostly-right, and she was mostly-wrong, she always held a crucial piece of truth that had evaded me in my egotistical self-assurance - such that she ended up being able to make progress in ways that I could not.

Much effort was given to trying to have actions that showed my support and alignment, to go beyond the mere words I had offered so far. I discovered how much she really wanted someone to take care of her ("dad energy" as she called it), coupled with how very difficult it is for her to accept such care. I was also continuing to be transparent about how I felt, but also clear that I was expecting nothing.

Behind her defenses, I thought I could feel her aligning her own considerations in my direction again. Pessimism warned that it was projection, but still seeds of hope started to sprout in my heart again. This became the no-solution Kobayashi Maru of my summer. In order for NSG to choose me, I had to believe in myself and stay true to my heart's desire to be with her. But she also pointed out, correctly, that there was not enough room for her in my life (yet) - and admitting that felt very contrary to believing in having hope.

Plus, reality has a way of showing us what we want, and denying us from having it. NSG said that reality is like a vending machine of experiences that merely require us to know how to ask for what we want. It feels like perhaps we live in somewhat different realities. Mine is a test of character; hers is a test of resourcefulness and patience. I wish I was in hers.