2005.02.06 2005 Portland International Auto Show

That's right, it's that magical time of year again. Time for me to ramble on about the thing that matters most in all of Western Society. Cars.

The focus of this year's review is going to be primarily three interviews. As some of you undoubtedly know, thanks to me being unable to shut up about it, I'm contemplating buying an semi-exotic sports car as my next steed some time in the next couple years. The three finalists - so far - are the Acura NSX, the Mercedes SLK350, and the Porsche 911. Fortunately for me, all three were at this years Portland Auto Show. While the more important test drives are still to be accomplished, I had the opportunity to visit these cars in rapid succession for a good comparison of aesthetic qualities.

Porsche 911

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First of all, it should be noted that our subject was a brand new Porsche 911 997-body, whereas the vehicle I'm actually considering is the slightly older Porsche 911 996-body. The differences are mostly cosmetic, limited to headlight shape and interior finish, with some minor mechanical refinements. To most people, the cars would appear almost indistinguishably similar.

I approached this interview with an unfortunately altered mental state; I had just spent no little time ogling the fantastic Porsche Carrera GT supercar that was in the same paddock. So it's possible that my gaze was a little jaded upon beholding the 911. Even so, it was still gorgeous.

Not a little gorgeous, either. A lot gorgeous. Exotic supercars are hard for people like me to properly appreciate, as we only get fleeting glimpses and small photos. The 911, however, had for me a transcendent beauty, like a finely-crafted vessel emerging from an obscuring mist of unreal separation - this could really be a car for me to drive. It had a smooth, purposeful shape that plainly showed the athletic intent of its design. It was a refined contrast to most "sport" vehicles that are more modest designs with performance-enhancing elements grafted on afterwards. It was this contrast that seems to have defined, to me, the personality of the Porsche 911 as being like a beautiful woman.

Regarding the 911 with S, as we waited in line to climb in, it was quite clear that the curves of the body are nothing if not sensual. Even more tantalizing was that it was an utterly naked sort of sensual. It was not the carefully done makeup of a car with just flashy accessories. Nor was it the cleavage-enhanced push-up bra of a car sporting upgraded running gear. Just a stark naked glory for whom any added affectations would serve mostly to obscure. It was the kind of beauty that only becomes more pleasing the closer you look.

The cliché sexual metaphor only got worse as the interview proceeded. I actually felt a bit ashamed for the 911, letting a line of strangers fondle and slide into her. When my turn came, I felt a little guilty, and had a few synapses suggest that I should find some sort of full-body condom to use. Climbing into the low, sleek car was accomplished a little clumsily, but I felt certain that it would become easier if I got to grow familiar with the 911. And it felt truly great to be inside. Everything fit just so... right. S confirmed the extremely sexual nature of the car, commenting about its feel and about how I seemed with it. Which was a little awkward for me, but I got over it.

Overall, I feel very confident that I would be fully satisfied with a Porsche 911. I wait with bated breath until I get to test drive some specimens.

Mercedes SLK350

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Karl Benz patented the automobile in 1886, and ever since then his company has built one of the benchmarks for the whole industry. Despite being unquestionably well-built, and the fact that I get an employee discount, most Mercedes are not cars for me. They're just really... big. In the world of physical performance, mass is bad. acceleration = force / mass The new Mercedes SLK 350 appears to understand this. Or, at 1,465 kg, seems to understand this better than most Mercedes. That formula for acceleration applies to more than just launching, but also to stopping and cornering. Unlike its predecessor, the new SLK is supposed to have real performance capabilities.

In person, however, the SLK managed to project a very Mercedes tank-like presence. Which was a little surprising for a low-slung 2-seater. Nevertheless, the bulging wheels seemed to promise that the mass could be suitably accommodated for with a sufficient application of force. Beastly force. That mindset seemed to have been pervasive among the designers, for the whole shape of the car is that of a well-sculpted beast.

After tugging open one of the armoured doors, sitting in the SLK further confirmed the feel. It immediately evoked images of Fay Wray clutched in King Kong's fist. There was no concern about squirming free, but the shape of the seat would require some effort to be actually comfortable for a prolonged ride. I presume that there were ways to adjust the tastefully upholstered leather seats to suit my bony butt, but the power was off. Within reach of the driver was absolutely everything that one could possible hope to need while driving an automobile, and some other stuff too, just for good measure. Truly, it seemed quite like one would want for nothing else, as you could even get the hot breath of the beast to warm your neck and shoulders if you drove with the hard top retracted in cool weather.

Being an engineer, I had some cynical reservations. As much as I love convertibles, the physical weakness of the roof mechanisms are unavoidable. The fact that the SLK employs a folding hard top greatly relieves these reservations, but not completely. In the course of watching the mechanical ballet that is the operation of the folding hard top at a dealership, I noted that there were some aspects that seemed like they might be a little fragile. Sure enough, there at the Portland Auto Show, I could see that one of the little plastic louvres that streamlined the rear deck where the B-pillar went had been misaligned. I imagine that it was probably some "big-boned" spectator that had inadvertently leaned on the part, not realizing that it was not actually structural. This only served to heighten my concerns about the roof being a source of rattles and issues as the car ages.

Thus, my final impression from that interview with the Mercedes SLK is that it was like a body-builder: all about sculpted muscles that look impressive, but not necessarily capable of really running. This car has a lot to prove, come the eventual test driving segment.

Acura NSX

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As a former Acura owner (a 1990 Integra RS sedan), I have a deep respect for these cars. That doesn't change the fact that they're still mostly just upper-echelon Hondas, and this was reflected by the location of the Acura paddock - on the bottom floor in the big room with all the other mere mortal marques. Sensibly, the Acuras were secreted into a corner, and separated by a large divider helping to shield one's view of hoi polloi. In that field of sensibility and moderation, the NSX was a vivid bloom of exotic poise.

Approaching the NSX, it was hard not to purse your lips at just how low it was. It was sleek, such that your eyes almost wanted to slide past it, yet your gaze would snag on its keen edge of deliberate design. Just by being what it was, it managed to accomplish an effortless sense of intimidation and ferociousness. Everything about the shape of the car plainly stated that the instructions set before a team of grand-master engineers was: Make.It.Go.Fast.

These things are hand built. Like a Japanese samurai sword. Pure of purpose.

I wasn't permitted to sit in the NSX, sadly, but there was a transcendent moment when I crouched next to the car. Squatting low, with my head down to the level it would be while driving the NSX, it aligned my sensibilities with the purpose of the car - like sighting down the barrel of a rifle. Everything made perfect sense. I could visualize an aggressive approach to a corner, with precise balance and control letting me slice a razor-keen line through the exact apex, and exploding out of the corner with uncanny speed and with a perfect note of pure joy singing in my heart.

I composed a haiku to commemorate the moment.

Purity of thought

Perfection of being

Undiluted joy

I have little doubt that my love of driving would be able to wield this tireless weapon of speed in a way that would honour both my aspirations and the NSX's creators. My only real question that lingers for the eventual test drive is a feel for how long it might take for me to master it, and be truly worthy.

Everything Else

Now that the important interview portions are complete, here are some addendum items.

First of all, here's a picture of that Porsche Carrera GT. Yowza.

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For my dad, here's a look at that Jeep Rescue I talked about. I don't think you quite get a feel for just how BIG this monster is, because it handily dwarfs the Hummer2. (Amusingly, the Hummer3 is even smaller.)

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And finally, I'd like to give a nod to the Ford GT that they had at the show. It looks even better in person than it did in the various magazine reviews I've seen. The way it glowered across the aisle at the Corvettes and made them seem effete was really quite entertaining. Still just a Ford, though, so probably crappy in some unfortunate way.

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That's it for this year. Hopefully I'll still be in Portland next year to do it all again. Again.