1: The Separation & Divorce
Ugh.
This fucking chapter is too incredibly horrible to birth yet. It really is like ripping my heart out through my ass.
AWKWARD PAUSE
OK, I might as well start by laying out the four phases of this.
Before the Separation
Before the separation, there were years of trying to wrangle the pain and suffering S felt about our relationship. The (outwardly) cyclical nature of her doubts and feelings of disconnection started to have a much stronger amplitude. This span of time was marked for me as a growing recognition that it was not really about me, but still trying desperately to find some way to help the situation. It was also in this time frame that we started couples counselling.
The couples counselling was initiated after S admitted that she had started contemplating divorce. Which was hard to take entirely seriously, as S is a creature made one trillion percent out of hyperbole. The reason for the hyperbole is perhaps a key to her inner struggles, but that's not relevant just yet. We went to a fabulous couples therapist, and proceeded to do some incredibly important work demystifying several unspoken aspects of our relationship.
Both S and myself suffer from the problem of being very smart, such that we tend to default to assuming that we are right. There are things about our interpersonal communication that we used to assume, but were deeply wrong about. Being quiet, for me, was translated as collecting emotional energy and self-soothing. Being quiet, for S, was translated as being rejecting. I am a sensitive being, and am ashamed of how readily tears will spring from my eyes. S thought I was being intentionally manipulative when I burst into tears, and virtually never cried around me. Asking simple questions about someone is seen by S as a basic demonstration of interest and inclusion. The same questions landed with me as being intrusive and rude, with the assumption that they would be offered if they wanted to share.
Separating In Theory
THUD.
Deciding On Divorce
Ooof.
Breaking Up The Home
Ugh.