1: The Separation & Divorce: Difference between revisions
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The couples counselling was initiated after S admitted that she had started contemplating divorce. Which was hard to take entirely seriously, as S is a creature made one trillion percent out of hyperbole. The reason for the hyperbole is perhaps a key to her inner struggles, but that's not relevant just yet. We went to a fabulous couples therapist, and proceeded to do some incredibly important work demystifying several unspoken aspects of our relationship. | The couples counselling was initiated after S admitted that she had started contemplating divorce. Which was hard to take entirely seriously, as S is a creature made one trillion percent out of hyperbole. The reason for the hyperbole is perhaps a key to her inner struggles, but that's not relevant just yet. We went to a fabulous couples therapist, and proceeded to do some incredibly important work demystifying several unspoken aspects of our relationship. | ||
Both S and myself suffer from the problem of being very smart, such that we tend to default to assuming that we are right. There are things about our interpersonal communication that we used to assume, but were deeply wrong about. Being quiet, for me, was translated as collecting emotional energy and self-soothing. Being quiet, for S, was translated as being rejecting. I am a sensitive being, and am ashamed of how readily tears will spring from my eyes. S thought I was being intentionally manipulative when I burst into tears, and virtually never cried around me. Asking simple questions about someone is seen by S as a basic demonstration of interest and inclusion. The same questions landed with me as being intrusive and rude, with the assumption that they would be offered if they wanted to share. | Both S and myself suffer from the problem of being very smart, such that we tend to default to assuming that we are right. There are things about our interpersonal communication that we used to assume, but were deeply wrong about. Being quiet, for me, was translated as collecting emotional energy and self-soothing. Being quiet, for S, was translated as being rejecting. I am a sensitive being, and am ashamed of how readily tears will spring from my eyes. S thought I was being intentionally manipulative when I burst into tears, and virtually never cried around me. Asking simple questions about someone is seen by S as a basic demonstration of interest and inclusion. The same questions landed with me as being intrusive and rude, with the assumption that they would be offered if they wanted to share. There are other things, too, but the general trend was the usurping of communication by reflexive assumptions. And once those were more explicitly known, we were able to work more fruitfully with each other. | ||
Sadly, it also meant that we could also correctly interpret each other as being rejecting or rude. Which slowly returned to being more common later on. | |||
This was also the era where I felt hopeful about growing my communication skills to address both needs in our marriage, and also my ambitions at work. So I threw myself into personal therapy with that as the focus, and took every free class my company has to offer relating to communication and interactions. At home and at work I practiced being present and intentional as much as possible. I remain very proud of how much I developed and grew as a result. | |||
Our couples therapy got consumed by diversions with regard to Susannah's work stress, which in turn was a convenient scapegoat as a relationship stressor. Our couples therapy petered out for lack of pressing need. Or so it felt to me. | |||
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Revision as of 23:56, 13 September 2019
Ugh.
This fucking chapter is too incredibly horrible to birth yet. It really is like ripping my heart out through my ass.
AWKWARD PAUSE
OK, I might as well start by laying out the four phases of this.
Before the Separation
Before the separation, there were years of trying to wrangle the pain and suffering S felt about our relationship. The (outwardly) cyclical nature of her doubts and feelings of disconnection started to have a much stronger amplitude. This span of time was marked for me as a growing recognition that it was not really about me, but still trying desperately to find some way to help the situation. It was also in this time frame that we started couples counselling.
The couples counselling was initiated after S admitted that she had started contemplating divorce. Which was hard to take entirely seriously, as S is a creature made one trillion percent out of hyperbole. The reason for the hyperbole is perhaps a key to her inner struggles, but that's not relevant just yet. We went to a fabulous couples therapist, and proceeded to do some incredibly important work demystifying several unspoken aspects of our relationship.
Both S and myself suffer from the problem of being very smart, such that we tend to default to assuming that we are right. There are things about our interpersonal communication that we used to assume, but were deeply wrong about. Being quiet, for me, was translated as collecting emotional energy and self-soothing. Being quiet, for S, was translated as being rejecting. I am a sensitive being, and am ashamed of how readily tears will spring from my eyes. S thought I was being intentionally manipulative when I burst into tears, and virtually never cried around me. Asking simple questions about someone is seen by S as a basic demonstration of interest and inclusion. The same questions landed with me as being intrusive and rude, with the assumption that they would be offered if they wanted to share. There are other things, too, but the general trend was the usurping of communication by reflexive assumptions. And once those were more explicitly known, we were able to work more fruitfully with each other.
Sadly, it also meant that we could also correctly interpret each other as being rejecting or rude. Which slowly returned to being more common later on.
This was also the era where I felt hopeful about growing my communication skills to address both needs in our marriage, and also my ambitions at work. So I threw myself into personal therapy with that as the focus, and took every free class my company has to offer relating to communication and interactions. At home and at work I practiced being present and intentional as much as possible. I remain very proud of how much I developed and grew as a result.
Our couples therapy got consumed by diversions with regard to Susannah's work stress, which in turn was a convenient scapegoat as a relationship stressor. Our couples therapy petered out for lack of pressing need. Or so it felt to me.
Separating In Theory
THUD.
Deciding On Divorce
Ooof.
Breaking Up The Home
Ugh.