2020.08.21 "You made that up."

"You made that up."

I'm not sure how much my total lack of surprise is conveyed by whatever expression is on my increasingly-worn face, but I lift my spiny shoulders in a shrug-like manner. "That part isn't important for the purpose of this exchange, but it does set things up well to help you understand what I'm trying to explain."

The lean reptilian death-machine regards me through slitted eyelids. "Look, ye crazy old monster, I ken that ye can murder me inna blink of an eye - yeah? So I'll listen to whatever cockamamie tale you need me ta hear. Just maybe leave out the shyte with magical humans with wings."

"The lady with the bat wings that leapt into the portal wasn't the scary bit; it was the black telepathic robots that started hunting me. That was what started me on this path."

The reptiloid adjusts all three of its pairs of holstered blasters to get more comfortable on its barstool perch. "A path for forcing random people to listen to crazy stories?"

Woo - suave. It must have pinged the robotic bartender to start making a drink a few moments ago, because that casual reach backward without looking to receive that mug was pretty slick. I wrinkle my snout. "That's a by-product." I tap one of my talons on the bar top to request a replacement drink of my own, in a more old-fashioned way. Based on the crooked set of its mouth, I think it does not think I'm very cool.

The robotic bartender gives me an ETA on my drink, which seems somewhat faster than I would have expected. I regard my captive audience some more. "At the time, I was rather skilled with a blaster, and well on my way to being a decent assassin. Tough enough that people stayed out of my way, which let me move pretty quickly through various environments."

Ah - a nod. This makes sense to it, as it probably aligns well with its own ease of moving through reality through brute application of paired blaster fire.

I let my fangs show as I smile, to distract it. "That almost got me killed too many times to count. Because as fast as I could move on, the things hunting me could always find me."

"So you're shitty at sneaking and hiding. So whaaaaaaat?!!!"

The change of expression is just delicious as I brought one of its very-precious plasma blasters into view. "That was jut the thing - I wasn't. Kind of the opposite." It is clearly reigning in its indignation as it respectfully retrieves the exquisite weapon from my open palm. "My problem was that I was just a bit too... distinctive."

A bunch of half-formed expressions chase each other across the reptiloid's face. "Have you been hunting me down?"

The tension of the moment is piled on with a faint mechanical scream and a sudden thin plume of smoke rising from behind the bar. Both I and the reptiloid glance over, and I get an updated ETA on my drink that is considerably further in the future. An ugly snicker works its way out of my ragged vocal chords.

Turning back to regard the noticeably-more-tense reptiloid, I tilt my wedge-like head. "Smart question. But no, not exactly."

To be continued...

2020.07.07 Verbal Constipation

There's so much going on!

And I have so little ability to make meaningful note of it. Sucks.

2020.06.30 Courage, Confidence, and Goodness

Blatantly stolen from the interwebs...

If courage isn't the absence of fear but doing the right thing regardless of it, maybe confidence isn't the absence of insecurity but knowing you have real worth despite it.
By this same token, maybe goodness isn't the absence of bad thoughts or impulses, but the conscious choice to behave according to your moral ideals in spite of them.

2020.05.24 Pandemic Ponderings 4

How very odd that the top four countries ranked in terms of cases of infection, demonstrating that they are the least capable of dealing with real world facts and situations, all happen to have governments lead by populist leaders.

2020.05.17 The Hole

Back when I was turning 30, I was tormented for a couple years with a new sensation of being ready to be part of a family. I discovered in myself a capacity to hold another in a trusting way, to be a partner. It ached to be unfulfilled. But then I did find a partner, and it blossomed into a family, and the sense of completeness is one that I know in my bones is how my best life can be realized.

So I know that such a thing is possible. And the ache I feel now can be soothed, with patience and care.

Except now there's a new space in me, beyond the socket that I might find a partner to fit. I've been eroded by the knowledge that it ends. It always ends. My trust can never be safe.

Which is why I'm here, alone with my feelings, grieving the version of me that I may never get to be again.

2020.05.09 Define Well-Being

Before the pandemic started, I signed up for an online psychology course from Yale: The Psychology of Happiness with Doctor Laurie Santos. It was meant to augment my therapy, but has turned into my only therapy. And, honestly, it's been some of the most helpful therapeutic work I've done.

My week 7 homework is a short essay: Define well-being.

"Think about your own definition of well-being and share it with your classmates. What does living the good life mean to you personally? Has this course changed your definition at all?"

Here goes.

Well-being might shift definition based on where you view it from, in time.
Looking forward, well-being feels defined by a sense of affluence and ease. We imagine our future selves as having well-being with goals achieved, and needs met, and being safe.
In the moment, well-being is all about how in-touch with ourselves we are. Sensing the alignment of our thoughts, feelings, perceptions and sensations are the most tangible understanding of immediate well-being. These are the immersive experiences of well-being that are the pixels that make up the picture we're painting of our lives.
Looking back, well-being is filtered through our evaluation of our own equanimity with whatever our challenges were, and the level of acceptance we have gained. If we're wise, maybe we see how our own well-being is tied to the degree to which we were sources of well-being for the rest of the world.

2020.04.25 Pandemic Ponderings 3

The immediate reality of existence is that I'm stretched really thin. Being the lead parent for homeschooling for most of the weekdays makes sense, because my work is not fragile with respect to interruptions - unlike S. But it does mean that I have to make up time on evenings and weekends to compensate, productivity-wise. It is ablative on the soul, and I'll have to moderate some expectations in order to make all this sustainable.

But there is a poignancy to these times. I love how this global experience, that we'll recall for the rest of our lives, is saturated with me spending time with Simon and Violet. We'll all have shared experiences, with greater-than-usual bandwidth of interaction existing in my little apartment and trying to figure out how to thrive with our arrayed pursuits.

Future Simon and Violet - who I hope are reading this someday - I know I seemed grumpy some of these days, but I want you to know how much I love all this time with you both.

2020.04.12 Pandemic Ponderings 2

Oh shyyte: here it comes.

2020.03.25 Pandemic Ponderings 1

So, yeah. That's the last frame of Taika Waititi's fascinating movie Jojo Rabbit. It resonated with me, as it shook loose a bit of my congealed feelings I've been burdened by.

Weeks ago, I had been meaning to post a jokey entry about how the apparent response to the Pandemic is mostly suggested to be: Be Like Clayton.

OCD hand washing habits - CHECK
Larger than usual personal space - CHECK
Avoid gatherings with more than a few people - CHECK
Have essentially no social life - CHECK

...but even though I used that joke a few times with some friends, it never really felt all that funny.

The larger worries about how the world is facing a major hurdle, combined with increasingly-confirmed fears that those in power are ill-equipped to face it, have cast my little sadnesses into sharp contrast.

Which, of course, just makes me feel insignificant on top of sad. Which is, itself, funny - but only to the part of me that is not particularly helpful.

Meanwhile: Since working from home and single-parenting kids will eat my soul, I've decided to take a psychology course from Yale online. Brilliant!

2020.03.09 It's Been One Of Them Years.

It's Been On Of Them Years.

2020.03.06 Reflecting On Who My Daughter Is

I think I already knew, but the actual word churns up emotional trouble inside myself that I admit I am afraid of.
I should be braver, like she is.
And see the fascination within it, like she can.

We'll see where we are, and go from there.

2020.03.02 Too Many Fucks Given

Basically, I am still struggling with how to process the notion that I will never get a leadership position in engineering at DAIMLER. My internal drives motivating me to excel have long included management ambition in engineering. While I know that logically I should find a way to leverage this as a form of freedom, and re-kindle some of my long-neglected interests. But it still squats on my soul as sense of hopeless frustration.

Perhaps it would be easier to hold if the managers in engineering were more, on the whole, obviously better at managing. Such that I could see how I do not measure up. But it's not like that. At all.

Some people need to find the edges of things, instead of assuming what they might be.

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