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=[[2020.01.03 "I Know"]]=
=[[2020.02.14 Violet Valentine Art]]=
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Went and re-watched <i>STAR WARS: Rise Of Skywalker</i> with Simon, this time in IMAX 3D, and saw a bunch of new detail with this watching. But one piece of dialogue stands out.
http://www.kvankii.com/gallery/IMG_3628-violetart-web.jpg
 
Way back in <i>EMPIRE</i>, Han Solo famously responded to Leia's "I love you" with "I know".  A bit of dialogue that was later reversed in <i>JEDI</i>.  This tidbit makes me think that it was being directly referenced in <i>RISE</i> when Han Solo appears to his son, Ben Solo.
 
The moment when Ben says, very uncharacterstically, "Dad..."<br>
Then there is a pause and Han Solo says, "I know."


I like to think this means that, in the idiom of their family, Ben told his dad that he loved him.
I love how this piece conveys a sense of being a little kid in the woods.  The arch of the trees bending toward the distance and crowding out the sky.  She is so brilliant it hurts my heart.
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=[[2020.01.03 Hello 2020]]=
=[[2020.02.11 Head Down, Holding On]]=
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I've already made the pun to Simon about 2020 being a year of improved vision; he was not impressed.
There is nothing wrong.<br>
Worry about losing what is right chases me through the maze of my thoughts and feelings.
 
I am loved.<br>
My ability to access the people and activities that bring me joy is harshly circumscribed.


But it is certainly true that after the Great Sorting of feelings and directions in 2019, the holiday season has allowed for a great deal of peace to be unfolded over most of my life.  And nurtured in that space there are many plans unfolding, with a certain sense of optimism.
The future looks good.<br>
Any sense of control or choice slips through my fingers with every grasp.


Life is good.
It's not that anything bad has happened, or is happening.<br>
It's that I have mostly doubts instead of ready coping mechanisms.
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=[[2019.12.24 The Joy of Violet]]=
=[[2020.02.03 My Fears About Violet]]=
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This whole half year has been a time of stress and difficulty, weighed down by many things that are sad.  All of us in the Castle family are feeling the effects, and try to be mindful of them.  One of the hardest parts is the worry about how the changes to our family will affect our quality of life.  It has the insidious effect of making our own sadness exacerbated by having to witness the manifestations of sadness on our people.
I think know how to parent Simon.  His talents and pitfalls are very much in line with my own, and I am confident in our ability to navigate them together so that he will be able to succeed in life.


But then there's Violet.  Yes, she is sad, and unsure, and affected as the rest of the familyYet she is also such a fundamentally happy person, that she will tend to revert to playing, and skipping, and humming with her usual overflowing innocent joyThe bright bloom of her regular happiness is the most magical gift, and I treasure it.
But I am unsure about how to be the best parent for Violet.  Her talents are alien to me, and the strengths I leveraged to figure out my life are not her strengths.  I see others like her struggle, and sufferI want to trust in her, and that our family will be able to help her find her path to a good lifeBut I am wracked with fears of her having things go so wrong as to be regrettable.


Thank you, for being you, Violet.
Tutoring is the obvious next step, but I have associated fear that this might lay foundations of resentment in her.<br> 
Medication has also occurred to me, but I am horrified at the idea of smothering her joyous spark.
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=[[2019.12.18 Fredmas]]=
=[[2020.01.24 Why I Do This]]=
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I was asked by an important new person in my life, "What do we need to do special for Fredmas?"
A recent scientific journal discussing a possible [https://journals.aps.org/prl/abstract/10.1103/PhysRevLett.124.018101 "Fundamental Law of Memory Recall"] is a rare piece of mathematical application to a neurobiological function.  The formula of:


It made me pause, because in typical Marshall McLuhan-ian fashion, I had always sort of just assumed that the very existence of Fredmas was sufficient to convey the important honouring function. But a more pragmatic answer was needed.   
<big>R=√3πM/2</big>
 
It's a prediction for the average number of memory items recalled (R) out of M items in (human) memory.
 
To have the experimentally-verified performance of human memory based on theoretical neuron function is, for me, reason to pause.  Partially for the sense of uneasiness I have with it being that easy or deterministic.  But more for the reinforcement of the grave limitations of human memory.
 
This article is purely about simple recall.  But it is also probably true that every time we remember something, we are actually re-writing those memories.  It makes for a worrisome loss of fidelity.
 
Coincidentally, I have had reason to do a lot of re-reading portions of this blog/wiki.  The mostly-stable artifice of what I manage to set into these writings have some very keenly-feel importance to me.  There is a lot of my experiences that I would have never been able to summon well any other way.  Even though - and this is a crucial discovery for me today - the sense I had when I was writing some of them was that they were just time-filling expressions near-apathy.  The way I was oblivious to the value of some of those moments in my face at that time is interesting.
 
Of course, even more cherished are the times I did have big feelings - and I wrote them down as best I couldThe vivid detail that they bring back to life is... priceless.


So I said,
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<big>"It's a day to be like Fred Castle.  Enjoy working, savour playing and relaxing, bury all complaints under sarcastic wit."</big>
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=[[2019.12.17 Complete Classic Sayings]]=
=[[2020.01.20 D&D Family Time]]=
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Saw a Tumblr thread on this that reminded me of how much I like the original versions, and have an emotional annoyance with the popularly-remembered shorter versions.
https://www.lcps.org/cms/lib/VA01000195/Centricity/Domain/29342/DnD%20logo.jpg


<blockquote>
Simon has been playing Dungeons & Dragons for about a year now, and it has been a hoot to watch him flourish in these imaginary realms. But now we have been playing a D&D adventure to include Violet, since we have frequent bouts of Dad+kids time and there's only so many walks through the neighbourhood they're willing to take me on.
==Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.==
==The blook of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.==
==Jack of all trades, master of none, but better than master of one.==
==Great minds think alike, but fools rarely differ.==
==Birds of a feather flock together - until the cat comes.==
==The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.==
==Love of money is the root of all kinds of evil.==
==If you starve a cold, you'll have to feed a fever.==
==My country, right or wrong; if right, to be kept right; and if wrong to be set right.==
==Rome wasn't built in a day, but it burned in one.==


</blockquote>
The shining hope has been to give them a setting that rewards cooperation, while letting Violet transition her massive imaginative play into a more interactive mode.  Plus the bonus of there being reading, writing, and math for her to practice.  All while getting to share some exciting times together and bond.


The reality has been a bit more challenging.  Simon gets impatient and wants to do everything, which drives Violet to slump back and let the game happen to the point where her mind wanders off into her own imagination.  We're still managing to have fun, and Violet is gamely tackling the math thrown her way, but attention span is definitely limited. 
Additionally, Simon's strong feelings still overwhelm him regularly.  While they are disruptive, it is definitely an opportunity to engage him about them, away from the shaming exposure of his usual gaming cohort.  And as long as we manage to keep things fun, I think Violet seeing her has-it-easy older brother working on things will help her feel emboldened to work on her things too.
What I forgot about was the way in which role-playing opens a window into your fellow players which allows a kind of understanding not normally accessible through usual social interaction.  I really love being able to keep a relevant insight into who my kids are, and I hope I can leverage this for a long, long time.
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=[[2019.12.13 Ode To Joy]]=
=[[2020.01.12 Thoughts On Iran]]=
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Fridays are now my one school-day morning with the kids, so today we all landed at the Chestnut House ready for heading to schoolWith about 20 minutes to fill before the expected arrival of their walk-to-school buddies (the Dobratz kids), Simon decided it would be a good time to practice his flute.
Just to state up front, I recognize that Iran's leadership is arguably one of the worst actors in the globe with respect to supporting acts of terror and violenceBut a people is not it's leadership, especially in a mostly-totalitarian theocratic regime.


So he breaks out his flute and his nifty new budget music stand, spreads out his music book, and starts tiptoeing through Beethoven's <i>Ode To Joy</i>.
In the wake of the seemingly-arbitrary US missile attack to kill Qasem Soleimani, there was worry that the main effect would be to galvanize the progressive segments of Iranians into supporting nationalistic anti-US jingoism.  And indeed they did swear retaliation.  But that retaliation came in the form of 6 hours of advance warning, and resulted in no loss of human life.  It struck me as being incredibly, well, civilized.


My heart immediately clasped and tears sprung to my eyesViolet was skipping nearby, and I swept her up into a hug and squeezed her and let my tears dampen her hairWhen he paused to take a breath, I did the same to SimonHell, I had to pause writing this because recalling it made me choke up anew.
Then there's the horrific shooting down of a civilian airliner with anti-aircraft missiles, killing a bunch of CanadiansIf this had happened in another country, (like, for example, Russia) it would have been denial layered with no response at allInstead, after a small delay, Iran admitted to the act and apologizedEven though it may make them lose some internal political coherency, and give fodder to their enemies propaganda machinesBut it is the act of a coherent member of the world stage, and I think it will serve them better in the long run.
 
This music has always affected me profoundlyWhich is why I had it played as the recessional for S and my's wedding - another layer of the feels to mingle in.  It's good to find the threads of joy in the midst of all the difficulty these days.
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=[[2019.12.10 Simon: "...Hey Dad."]]=
=[[2020.01.03 "I Know"]]=
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Simon got sick at school yesterday.  He started feeling not well, and went to the bathroomThere, he started feeling even worse, and so he called me on his watch-phone.
Went and re-watched <i>STAR WARS: Rise Of Skywalker</i> with Simon, this time in IMAX 3D, and saw a bunch of new detail with this watchingBut one piece of dialogue stands out.


It appeared on my phone as a number not in my contacts, so I answered with my standard: "EngineeringClayton here."
Way back in <i>EMPIRE</i>, Han Solo famously responded to Leia's "I love you" with "I know".  A bit of dialogue that was later reversed in <i>JEDI</i>This tidbit makes me think that it was being directly referenced in <i>RISE</i> when Han Solo appears to his son, Ben Solo.


When I heard the sad, timid "...Hey Dad" I immediately knew it was Simon and that he was distressed.  My black little heart leapt up into my throat with worry, especially when he paused to throw up.
The moment when Ben says, very uncharacterstically, "Dad..."<br>
Then there is a pause and Han Solo says, "I know."


I instinctively reassured him immediately.  "Hang on kiddo!  I'll be there as fast as I can!"
I like to think this means that, in the idiom of their family, Ben told his dad that he loved him.
 
Except I had walked to work yesterday.  And I still had a tonne of work to do.  So I jammed my laptop into a bag, and sprinted up the hill to my apartment where Ghost was parked (making record time - should have Strava'd it). 
 
As I hustled up the hill, I felt a further wash of appreciation for how much I like the fact that he reached out to me in his moment of need.  It settled in a fundamentally certain place in my soul: I will always be there for Simon and Violet.
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=[[2019.11.25 Guess I'm Ready Now]]=
=[[2020.01.03 Hello 2020]]=
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Three months ago I was still not ready to discuss my divorce on this medium.  But it's been a long year of discussing all this stuff with people, so I suppose it's about time to open up my processing on this here too.
I've already made the pun to Simon about 2020 being a year of improved vision; he was not impressed.


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But it is certainly true that after the Great Sorting of feelings and directions in 2019, the holiday season has allowed for a great deal of peace to be unfolded over most of my life.  And nurtured in that space there are many plans unfolding, with a certain sense of optimism.
[[:Category:Divorce|Stories/Divorce]]
 
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Life is good.
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In high school, I would have declared "PSYCHE!"  But really this is just a reserved spot for sneaking in commentary aimed at the curious.  Sort of like a turtle.
Some people need to find the edges of things, instead of assuming what they might be.
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Revision as of 16:58, 15 February 2020

claytoncastle.com • T R A N S I T I O N



2020.02.14 Violet Valentine Art

IMG_3628-violetart-web.jpg

I love how this piece conveys a sense of being a little kid in the woods. The arch of the trees bending toward the distance and crowding out the sky. She is so brilliant it hurts my heart.


2020.02.11 Head Down, Holding On

There is nothing wrong.
Worry about losing what is right chases me through the maze of my thoughts and feelings.

I am loved.
My ability to access the people and activities that bring me joy is harshly circumscribed.

The future looks good.
Any sense of control or choice slips through my fingers with every grasp.

It's not that anything bad has happened, or is happening.
It's that I have mostly doubts instead of ready coping mechanisms.


2020.02.03 My Fears About Violet

I think know how to parent Simon. His talents and pitfalls are very much in line with my own, and I am confident in our ability to navigate them together so that he will be able to succeed in life.

But I am unsure about how to be the best parent for Violet. Her talents are alien to me, and the strengths I leveraged to figure out my life are not her strengths. I see others like her struggle, and suffer. I want to trust in her, and that our family will be able to help her find her path to a good life. But I am wracked with fears of her having things go so wrong as to be regrettable.

Tutoring is the obvious next step, but I have associated fear that this might lay foundations of resentment in her.
Medication has also occurred to me, but I am horrified at the idea of smothering her joyous spark.


2020.01.24 Why I Do This

A recent scientific journal discussing a possible "Fundamental Law of Memory Recall" is a rare piece of mathematical application to a neurobiological function. The formula of:

R=√3πM/2

It's a prediction for the average number of memory items recalled (R) out of M items in (human) memory.

To have the experimentally-verified performance of human memory based on theoretical neuron function is, for me, reason to pause. Partially for the sense of uneasiness I have with it being that easy or deterministic. But more for the reinforcement of the grave limitations of human memory.

This article is purely about simple recall. But it is also probably true that every time we remember something, we are actually re-writing those memories. It makes for a worrisome loss of fidelity.

Coincidentally, I have had reason to do a lot of re-reading portions of this blog/wiki. The mostly-stable artifice of what I manage to set into these writings have some very keenly-feel importance to me. There is a lot of my experiences that I would have never been able to summon well any other way. Even though - and this is a crucial discovery for me today - the sense I had when I was writing some of them was that they were just time-filling expressions near-apathy. The way I was oblivious to the value of some of those moments in my face at that time is interesting.

Of course, even more cherished are the times I did have big feelings - and I wrote them down as best I could. The vivid detail that they bring back to life is... priceless.


2020.01.20 D&D Family Time

DnD%20logo.jpg

Simon has been playing Dungeons & Dragons for about a year now, and it has been a hoot to watch him flourish in these imaginary realms. But now we have been playing a D&D adventure to include Violet, since we have frequent bouts of Dad+kids time and there's only so many walks through the neighbourhood they're willing to take me on.

The shining hope has been to give them a setting that rewards cooperation, while letting Violet transition her massive imaginative play into a more interactive mode. Plus the bonus of there being reading, writing, and math for her to practice. All while getting to share some exciting times together and bond.

The reality has been a bit more challenging. Simon gets impatient and wants to do everything, which drives Violet to slump back and let the game happen to the point where her mind wanders off into her own imagination. We're still managing to have fun, and Violet is gamely tackling the math thrown her way, but attention span is definitely limited.

Additionally, Simon's strong feelings still overwhelm him regularly. While they are disruptive, it is definitely an opportunity to engage him about them, away from the shaming exposure of his usual gaming cohort. And as long as we manage to keep things fun, I think Violet seeing her has-it-easy older brother working on things will help her feel emboldened to work on her things too.

What I forgot about was the way in which role-playing opens a window into your fellow players which allows a kind of understanding not normally accessible through usual social interaction. I really love being able to keep a relevant insight into who my kids are, and I hope I can leverage this for a long, long time.


2020.01.12 Thoughts On Iran

Just to state up front, I recognize that Iran's leadership is arguably one of the worst actors in the globe with respect to supporting acts of terror and violence. But a people is not it's leadership, especially in a mostly-totalitarian theocratic regime.

In the wake of the seemingly-arbitrary US missile attack to kill Qasem Soleimani, there was worry that the main effect would be to galvanize the progressive segments of Iranians into supporting nationalistic anti-US jingoism. And indeed they did swear retaliation. But that retaliation came in the form of 6 hours of advance warning, and resulted in no loss of human life. It struck me as being incredibly, well, civilized.

Then there's the horrific shooting down of a civilian airliner with anti-aircraft missiles, killing a bunch of Canadians. If this had happened in another country, (like, for example, Russia) it would have been denial layered with no response at all. Instead, after a small delay, Iran admitted to the act and apologized. Even though it may make them lose some internal political coherency, and give fodder to their enemies propaganda machines. But it is the act of a coherent member of the world stage, and I think it will serve them better in the long run.


2020.01.03 "I Know"

Went and re-watched STAR WARS: Rise Of Skywalker with Simon, this time in IMAX 3D, and saw a bunch of new detail with this watching. But one piece of dialogue stands out.

Way back in EMPIRE, Han Solo famously responded to Leia's "I love you" with "I know". A bit of dialogue that was later reversed in JEDI. This tidbit makes me think that it was being directly referenced in RISE when Han Solo appears to his son, Ben Solo.

The moment when Ben says, very uncharacterstically, "Dad..."
Then there is a pause and Han Solo says, "I know."

I like to think this means that, in the idiom of their family, Ben told his dad that he loved him.


2020.01.03 Hello 2020

I've already made the pun to Simon about 2020 being a year of improved vision; he was not impressed.

But it is certainly true that after the Great Sorting of feelings and directions in 2019, the holiday season has allowed for a great deal of peace to be unfolded over most of my life. And nurtured in that space there are many plans unfolding, with a certain sense of optimism.

Life is good.











































































































Some people need to find the edges of things, instead of assuming what they might be.