2020.05.17 The Hole

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Back when I was turning 30, I was tormented for a couple years with a new sensation of being ready to be part of a family. I discovered in myself a capacity to hold another in a trusting way, to be a partner. It ached to be unfulfilled. But then I did find a partner, and it blossomed into a family, and the sense of completeness is one that I know in my bones is how my best life can be realized.

So I know that such a thing is possible. And the ache I feel now can be soothed, with patience and care.

Except now there's a new space in me, beyond the socket that I might find a partner to fit. I've been eroded by the knowledge that it ends. It always ends. My trust can never be safe.

Which is why I'm here, alone with my feelings, grieving the version of me that I may never get to be again.