RooK: Created page with "category:2019 Rant In the midst of all the ongoing processing, the recent resurgence of a bitter pessimism about my fate with respect t..."

2019-10-04T05:25:47Z

Created page with "category:2019 Rant <font face="consolas, courier new"> In the midst of all the ongoing processing, the recent resurgence of a bitter pessimism about my fate with respect t..."

New page

[[category:2019 Rant]]
<font face="consolas, courier new">
In the midst of all the ongoing processing, the recent resurgence of a bitter pessimism about my fate with respect to intimate partners is the most pernicious problem. It has a barb of ego, in that I get to "be right" about how I will always ultimately be betrayed and abandoned. I suppose that makes it particularly hard to assuage with my general philosophical tactic of assuming that I will be brave - and offer up my heart to the pain - because living life to the fullest is worth it. Ego tends to reinforce ego.

It was different before, though. Because it wasn't that I was left, but instead recognized how they were never really with me to start with. Because they were with a projection of me, because I was difficult to actually know. But S knew me. More than that, I worked really hard and became eminently knowable. And she un-chose me.

Even as I metabolize the un-choosing, and I slowly assuage the childishness of my old pessimism, how do I deny the truth at the root of the pessimism? How do I let myself feel trust at being chosen ever again?

Maybe I just fucking don't. And I'll just have to live with it.
</font>

2019.10.03 Old Wounds - Revision history

RooK: Created page with "category:2019 Rant In the midst of all the ongoing processing, the recent resurgence of a bitter pessimism about my fate with respect t..."