2:10 The Nurse - Revision history

RooK at 17:34, 11 September 2023

2023-09-11T17:34:37Z

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	[[category:~~!Divorce~~]]		[[category:Divorced]]
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	Um. WOW.		Um. WOW.

RooK at 01:00, 21 March 2023

2023-03-21T01:00:29Z

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	[[category:~~_Divorce~~]]		[[category:!Divorce]]
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	Um. WOW.		Um. WOW.

RooK at 00:59, 21 March 2023

2023-03-21T00:59:58Z

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	[[category:~~Divorce~~]]		[[category:_Divorce]]
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	Um. WOW.		Um. WOW.

RooK at 05:59, 16 May 2020

2020-05-16T05:59:16Z

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	A conversation of what we wanted of our shared future ran as a connecting thread through the months. It was an alternating scope of ambitious his-and-hers Porsches parked in luxury condominium, or simple pragmatism for whatever means necessary to focus on our loved ones and adventures we wanted to share.		A conversation of what we wanted of our shared future ran as a connecting thread through the months. It was an alternating scope of ambitious his-and-hers Porsches parked in luxury condominium, or simple pragmatism for whatever means necessary to focus on our loved ones and adventures we wanted to share.

	She wanted more than I felt safe with - both in terms of plans and promises. But I love her and I trusted her, and it felt right to be brave and try.		She wanted more than I felt safe with - both in terms of plans and promises. But I love her and I trusted her, and it felt right to be brave and try. Spontaneous adventures to meet her family? Of course! Potential co-habitation? Yes, that would be smart and I grew to fantasize about never having to be apart. Blending our families? Yes, she had charmed me with tales of her crew, and I deeply wanted my children to meet this fierce-and-loving lioness. Matching tattoos? What the hell - I even designed something based on some of our secret love language. Marriage? Despite being previously sure I would never want such a thing again, I could not deny how much the idea was a warm spark that my fears could not extinguish.

	<hr>		<hr>

	==The... Friend?==		==The... Friend?==

			Then the accord faded away. Despite my ardent efforts, she simply grew too busy to spare time with me. My heart ached for weeks and weeks as I tried to just be patient and supportive. But when she finally asked me to come by, to tell me that she couldn't do it any more, I knew it in my bones before she even spoke. I hugged her hard one last time before she could speak.

			And then she threw me back.

			There are good, sensible reasons to explain it. I wish I could believe them.

			I can feel this new-unchoosing aching through the seams of my kintsugi. The doubts make for dark reckoning of self-esteem. But the ultimate truth is that the pain is merely proportional to how important she is to me.

			We assured each other that we still love each other, and that we need to remain friends - because of how much we matter to each other. Time will tell, but I will never forget her.

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RooK: /* The Middle */

2020-05-16T05:43:17Z

The Middle

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	The core aspect of the middle of our relationship was the concept of "having each other's back". For me because trust an intrinsic part of who I am and what I need; for her because she was starving for the ability to trust.		The core aspect of the middle of our relationship was the concept of "having each other's back". For me because trust an intrinsic part of who I am and what I need; for her because she was starving for the ability to trust.

			So we were naturally intertwined in every aspect we had room to allow. Long breakfasts in each other's arms, and countless walks with hands seeking each others. Late nights watching movies and tv shows laughing with each other, and finding ways to dine despite our mutual disdain of cooking. At every opportunity there was tenderness and reassurance. We were often busy with our separate over-full lives, and were patient with for each other.

			A conversation of what we wanted of our shared future ran as a connecting thread through the months. It was an alternating scope of ambitious his-and-hers Porsches parked in luxury condominium, or simple pragmatism for whatever means necessary to focus on our loved ones and adventures we wanted to share.

			She wanted more than I felt safe with - both in terms of plans and promises. But I love her and I trusted her, and it felt right to be brave and try.

			<hr>

	==The... Friend?==		==The... Friend?==

RooK at 17:07, 18 April 2020

2020-04-18T17:07:16Z

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	==The Middle==		==The Middle==
			http://www.kvankii.com/gallery/IMG_0011.PNG

			The core aspect of the middle of our relationship was the concept of "having each other's back". For me because trust an intrinsic part of who I am and what I need; for her because she was starving for the ability to trust.

RooK at 05:35, 18 April 2020

2020-04-18T05:35:47Z

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	===Exploring Our Fit===		===Exploring Our Fit===
	~~There~~ was ~~a lot more content~~ to ~~file into~~ this ~~beginning phase - adventures and self-discoveries interspersed with ways in which we have connected~~.		We did our best to take things as slow and mindfully as possible. This was based partially on her fear of breaking her heart, but mostly based on my awkward acclimation of being free to become connected in this way.

	~~But~~...		It was beautiful.

			We found ways to be together as much as possible, and had adventures. And were able to support each other, though the roller-coaster that is life's cruel joking way. And, holy tapdancing fuck, the sex. The raw, brilliant enthusiasm of it. And the delicate patience of it. Honestly, the relationship would have been completely satisfactory with just the sex. But it was so, so much more.

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	==The ~~Thing Is~~==		==The Middle==
	~~...the thing is that this is not really about a journal to be mindful of dating any more - which was the original intent of all of this. Now The Nurse is just... my person.~~

	I don't have any control over how long she'll continue to want to be my person, or to what degree she'll be able to align our lives to enable long-term coexistence. But that doesn't really matter, because it's just part of life's vicissitudes. The sense of self I wanted to fumble for in the vacuum of the divorce is no longer a thing that is well-served by the blossoming relationship I want to build with The Nurse. Indeed, it would be completely overshadowed by the mundane magnificence of being in another committed relationship.

	~~Instead it seems more appropriate to just write about my life in the usual way with dated logs, and an expectation that~~ The ~~Nurse will be a regular aspect of them~~. ~~Hopefully~~.		==The... Friend?==

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RooK at 01:28, 30 March 2020

2020-03-30T01:28:46Z

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	===Exploring Our Fit===		===Exploring Our Fit===
			There was a lot more content to file into this beginning phase - adventures and self-discoveries interspersed with ways in which we have connected.

			But...

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	~~===HTTH 40 ±10===~~

			==The Thing Is==
			...the thing is that this is not really about a journal to be mindful of dating any more - which was the original intent of all of this. Now The Nurse is just... my person.

	~~<hr>~~		I don't have any control over how long she'll continue to want to be my person, or to what degree she'll be able to align our lives to enable long-term coexistence. But that doesn't really matter, because it's just part of life's vicissitudes. The sense of self I wanted to fumble for in the vacuum of the divorce is no longer a thing that is well-served by the blossoming relationship I want to build with The Nurse. Indeed, it would be completely overshadowed by the mundane magnificence of being in another committed relationship.

	==The ~~Thing Is==~~		Instead it seems more appropriate to just write about my life in the usual way with dated logs, and an expectation that The Nurse will be a regular aspect of them. Hopefully.
	~~-sigh-~~

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RooK: /* The Bike Ride */

2020-03-30T00:57:13Z

The Bike Ride

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	We gathered up our hungers, and went to have lunch... at another McMenamins. It seemed prudent to start discussing with some more clarity exactly what we were contemplating embarking on, and had the proper [https://evelindacker.com/2017/06/08/stars-safer-sex-talk-for-everyone/ S.T.A.R.S. conversation]. It's a little scary to talk directly about these important-but-taboo aspects of connecting with people, but we weathered it well. Until The Nurse discovered how recently I had had sex with the ex.		We gathered up our hungers, and went to have lunch... at another McMenamins. It seemed prudent to start discussing with some more clarity exactly what we were contemplating embarking on, and had the proper [https://evelindacker.com/2017/06/08/stars-safer-sex-talk-for-everyone/ S.T.A.R.S. conversation]. It's a little scary to talk directly about these important-but-taboo aspects of connecting with people, but we weathered it well. Until The Nurse discovered how recently I had had sex with the ex.

	Which caught me off guard, because I ~~don~~'t think it was objectively particularly recent. But the problem was that it was nominally <i>after</i> the decision to get divorced. The Nurse found herself terrified of the possibility of me ending back up with S. Her heart was broken, and wanted to flee. And I had to leave her alone. But we stayed in touch via text all that afternoon and evening, wrangling the fears and worries. And eventually, with care and compassion, she found the bravery in herself to try anyway. I drove over to her place for a reassuring hug and kiss, and mutual agreement on wanting to continue exploring a relationship.		Which caught me off guard, because I didn't think it was objectively particularly recent. But the problem was that it was nominally <i>after</i> the decision to get divorced. The Nurse found herself terrified of the possibility of me ending back up with S. Her heart was broken, and wanted to flee. And I had to leave her alone. But we stayed in touch via text all that afternoon and evening, wrangling the fears and worries. And eventually, with care and compassion, she found the bravery in herself to try anyway. I drove over to her place for a reassuring hug and kiss, and mutual agreement on wanting to continue exploring a relationship.

	And with my heart thuddering, I went back to my laptop and made the first update. I was in love already.		And with my heart thuddering, I went back to my laptop and made the first update. I was in love already.

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	===Exploring Our Fit===		===Exploring Our Fit===

RooK at 00:50, 30 March 2020

2020-03-30T00:50:49Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 00:50, 30 March 2020
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	My fields of expertise are almost entirely outside the realm of physiology, but based on that hug I have a deep and profound appreciation for the existence of human pheromones. It was a very, very good hug.		My fields of expertise are almost entirely outside the realm of physiology, but based on that hug I have a deep and profound appreciation for the existence of human pheromones. It was a very, very good hug.

	When we pulled apart breathlessly, we mutually agreed that the friendzone depended on her leaving immediately. After she was safely ensconced in another Lyft, we frantically texted each other "holy shit". "Yeah, we have to be mindful of that. Streetfucking could have happened there." "Yup!"		When we pulled apart breathlessly, we mutually agreed that the friendzone depended on her leaving immediately. After she was safely ensconced in another Lyft, we frantically texted each other "holy shit". "Yeah, we have to be mindful of that. Streetfucking could totally have happened there." "Yup!"

			And I made the first entry on this page. "Um. WOW."

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	===The Bike Ride===		===The Bike Ride===
			The modality of our texting took on a new dimension of accommodating our chemistry, while also trying to mindfully navigate the potential hot mess aspect. The Nurse suggested that we wait to even kiss until we had done something more substantial together - like, say, a bike ride. Obviously, I immediately arranged for our upcoming nominal "first date" to be a bike ride - borrowing Gnarthaller's spare bike and the GarTaco.

			For the sake of keeping it moderate, we went on the beginner route I usually ride with Simon. It's pretty out in the woods, and there is no denying the thrill of flowing through the trees. Sweaty smiles were worn all the way back to the truck.

			Then I asked her if I could kiss her. And she kissed me, enthusiastically. It turns out that enthusiasm for being physical with me is the "move directly to go, collect $200" aspect for me. I mean, it probably is for most people. It's just that I was still not used to it. It was amazing. I was hooked.

			We gathered up our hungers, and went to have lunch... at another McMenamins. It seemed prudent to start discussing with some more clarity exactly what we were contemplating embarking on, and had the proper [https://evelindacker.com/2017/06/08/stars-safer-sex-talk-for-everyone/ S.T.A.R.S. conversation]. It's a little scary to talk directly about these important-but-taboo aspects of connecting with people, but we weathered it well. Until The Nurse discovered how recently I had had sex with the ex.

			Which caught me off guard, because I don't think it was objectively particularly recent. But the problem was that it was nominally <i>after</i> the decision to get divorced. The Nurse found herself terrified of the possibility of me ending back up with S. Her heart was broken, and wanted to flee. And I had to leave her alone. But we stayed in touch via text all that afternoon and evening, wrangling the fears and worries. And eventually, with care and compassion, she found the bravery in herself to try anyway. I drove over to her place for a reassuring hug and kiss, and mutual agreement on wanting to continue exploring a relationship.

			And with my heart thuddering, I went back to my laptop and made the first update. I was in love already.

	<hr>		<hr>