1: The Separation & Divorce - Revision history

RooK: /* Forsaken Beloved */

2023-03-21T01:46:58Z

Forsaken Beloved

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:46, 21 March 2023
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	S expressed it in her own way:<br>		S expressed it in her own way:<br>
	[[File:IMG 9919.JPG]]		[[File:IMG 9919.JPG\|alt=Forsaken beloved<br> Kintsugi broken light<br> We are more real now that<br> We are defined by loss<br> We had to break more than<br> Necessary to breathe]]

	<hr>		<hr>

	</font>		</font>

RooK: /* Deciding On Divorce */

2023-03-21T01:32:16Z

Deciding On Divorce

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:32, 21 March 2023
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	Understanding started leaking in as S's relationship grew. Jealousy tripped all my circuits and rage ruled my skull for a couple days after their first kiss. I was such a fucking moron. I writhed and suffered every day, tortured by the increasing silence and distance from S, punctuated by horrific feelings of betrayal whenever a spark of knowledge about the relationship burned a new hole in my soul.		Understanding started leaking in as S's relationship grew. Jealousy tripped all my circuits and rage ruled my skull for a couple days after their first kiss. I was such a fucking moron. I writhed and suffered every day, tortured by the increasing silence and distance from S, punctuated by horrific feelings of betrayal whenever a spark of knowledge about the relationship burned a new hole in my soul.

	Far more difficult was seeing her discover a love unlike what we had shared. She flowered with a beautiful transformation into a hopeful, trying ~~parnter~~ - to someone else. Her dedication and effort demanded my respect, even as it cast in sickening relief just how half-assed her efforts had been with me. She radiated with creativity, writing poetry and love letters through the night. Jealousy of a new kind sprouted, and a guilt that perhaps I had only been in the way.		Far more difficult was seeing her discover a love unlike what we had shared. She flowered with a beautiful transformation into a hopeful, trying partner - to someone else. Her dedication and effort demanded my respect, even as it cast in sickening relief just how half-assed her efforts had been with me. She radiated with creativity, writing poetry and love letters through the night. Jealousy of a new kind sprouted, and a guilt that perhaps I had only been in the way.

	Full realization came eventually, even for someone as <s>utterly loyal</s> fucking stupid as I seem to be. Alone together one last time, paddling a canoe on a glass-smooth lake at sunrise under the mountain dusted by my father's ashes, I told her I let her go. That she was free.		Full realization came eventually, even for someone as <s>utterly loyal</s> fucking stupid as I seem to be. Alone together one last time, paddling a canoe on a glass-smooth lake at sunrise under the mountain dusted by my father's ashes, I told her I let her go. That she was free.

RooK: RooK moved page 1: The Separation to 1: The Separation & Divorce

2020-03-31T03:23:18Z

RooK moved page 1: The Separation to 1: The Separation & Divorce

← Older revision	Revision as of 03:23, 31 March 2020
(No difference)

RooK: /* Before the Separation */

2020-03-30T01:38:24Z

Before the Separation

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:38, 30 March 2020
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	Before the separation, there were years of trying to wrangle the pain and suffering S felt about our relationship. The (outwardly) cyclical nature of her doubts and feelings of disconnection started to have a much stronger amplitude. This span of time was marked for me as a growing recognition that it was not really about me, but still trying desperately to find some way to help the situation. It was also in this time frame that we started couples counselling.		Before the separation, there were years of trying to wrangle the pain and suffering S felt about our relationship. The (outwardly) cyclical nature of her doubts and feelings of disconnection started to have a much stronger amplitude. This span of time was marked for me as a growing recognition that it was not really about me, but still trying desperately to find some way to help the situation. It was also in this time frame that we started couples counselling.

	The couples counselling was initiated after S admitted that she had started contemplating divorce. Which was hard to take entirely seriously, as S is a creature made one trillion percent out of hyperbole. The reason for the hyperbole is perhaps a key to her inner struggles, but that's not relevant ~~just yet~~. We went to a fabulous couples therapist, and proceeded to do some incredibly important work demystifying several unspoken aspects of our relationship.		The couples counselling was initiated after S admitted that she had started contemplating divorce. Which was hard to take entirely seriously, as S is a creature made one trillion percent out of hyperbole. The reason for the hyperbole is perhaps a key to her inner struggles, but that's not relevant here. We went to a fabulous couples therapist, and proceeded to do some incredibly important work demystifying several unspoken aspects of our relationship.

	Both S and myself suffer from the problem of being very smart, such that we tend to default to assuming that we are right. There are things about our interpersonal communication that we used to assume, but were deeply wrong about. Being quiet, for me, was translated as collecting emotional energy and self-soothing. Being quiet, for S, was translated as being rejecting. I am a sensitive being, and am ashamed of how readily tears will spring from my eyes. S thought I was being intentionally manipulative when I burst into tears, and virtually never cried around me. Asking simple questions about someone is seen by S as a basic demonstration of interest and inclusion. The same questions landed with me as being intrusive and rude, with the assumption that they would be offered if they wanted to share. There are other things, too, but the general trend was the usurping of communication by reflexive assumptions. And once those were more explicitly known, we were able to work more fruitfully with each other.		Both S and myself suffer from the problem of being very smart, such that we tend to default to assuming that we are right. There are things about our interpersonal communication that we used to assume, but were deeply wrong about. Being quiet, for me, was translated as collecting emotional energy and self-soothing. Being quiet, for S, was translated as being rejecting. I am a sensitive being, and am ashamed of how readily tears will spring from my eyes. S thought I was being intentionally manipulative when I burst into tears, and virtually never cried around me. Asking simple questions about someone is seen by S as a basic demonstration of interest and inclusion. The same questions landed with me as being intrusive and rude, with the assumption that they would be offered if they wanted to share. There are other things, too, but the general trend was the usurping of communication by reflexive assumptions. And once those were more explicitly known, we were able to work more fruitfully with each other.

RooK at 01:35, 30 March 2020

2020-03-30T01:35:33Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:35, 30 March 2020
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	<br>		<br>

	OK, I might as well start by laying out the four phases of this.		OK, I might as well start by laying out the <s>four</s> phases of this.

	__TOC__		__TOC__

RooK: /* Deciding On Divorce */

2020-02-06T17:55:35Z

Deciding On Divorce

← Older revision		Revision as of 17:55, 6 February 2020
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	It took me a while to process it. The unreality of it persisted unshakably. I felt like I was stunned, but maybe it was a kind of denial. There was just enough cognition to agree to re-start individual therapy. Which was good, because I was doing a starkly terrible job of taking care of myself emotionally.		It took me a while to process it. The unreality of it persisted unshakably. I felt like I was stunned, but maybe it was a kind of denial. There was just enough cognition to agree to re-start individual therapy. Which was good, because I was doing a starkly terrible job of taking care of myself emotionally.

	Understanding started leaking in as S's relationship grew. Jealousy tripped all my circuits and rage ruled my skull for a couple days after their first kiss. I was such a fucking moron. I writhed and suffered every day, tortured by the increasing silence and distance from S, punctuated by horrific feelings of betrayal whenever a spark of knowledge about the relationship burned a new hole my soul.		Understanding started leaking in as S's relationship grew. Jealousy tripped all my circuits and rage ruled my skull for a couple days after their first kiss. I was such a fucking moron. I writhed and suffered every day, tortured by the increasing silence and distance from S, punctuated by horrific feelings of betrayal whenever a spark of knowledge about the relationship burned a new hole in my soul.

	Far more difficult was seeing her discover a love unlike what we had shared. She flowered with a beautiful transformation into a hopeful, trying parnter - to someone else. Her dedication and effort demanded my respect, even as it cast in sickening relief just how half-assed her efforts had been with me. She radiated with creativity, writing poetry and love letters through the night. Jealousy of a new kind sprouted, and a guilt that perhaps I had only been in the way.		Far more difficult was seeing her discover a love unlike what we had shared. She flowered with a beautiful transformation into a hopeful, trying parnter - to someone else. Her dedication and effort demanded my respect, even as it cast in sickening relief just how half-assed her efforts had been with me. She radiated with creativity, writing poetry and love letters through the night. Jealousy of a new kind sprouted, and a guilt that perhaps I had only been in the way.

RooK at 06:08, 6 February 2020

2020-02-06T06:08:45Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 06:08, 6 February 2020
Line 92:		Line 92:

	Obviously, this is still in process. A future update will doubtlessly be needed...		Obviously, this is still in process. A future update will doubtlessly be needed...

			<hr>

			==Forsaken Beloved==

			S expressed it in her own way:<br>
			[[File:IMG 9919.JPG]]

	<hr>		<hr>

	</font>		</font>

RooK: /* Deciding On Divorce */

2019-11-25T21:17:41Z

Deciding On Divorce

← Older revision		Revision as of 21:17, 25 November 2019
Line 65:		Line 65:
	Then S decided that she didn't want her interest in the other man to be innocent any more. She asked for a divorce, specifically to open up a space to allow the relationship to flower. She has clarified that it wasn't this relationship in particular that she wanted to be open to, but rather any relationship other than our marriage. Maybe that makes some difference to her - it mostly just makes me feel worse.		Then S decided that she didn't want her interest in the other man to be innocent any more. She asked for a divorce, specifically to open up a space to allow the relationship to flower. She has clarified that it wasn't this relationship in particular that she wanted to be open to, but rather any relationship other than our marriage. Maybe that makes some difference to her - it mostly just makes me feel worse.

	It took me a while to process it. The unreality of it persisted unshakably, perhaps because of how much all of my acquiescence was based on my stupid adherence to my old definition of love. I measured my love by the degree to which she mattered more to me than I do to myself. And to do all this required nearly total neglect of myself in any kind of independent way. I felt like I was stunned, but maybe it was a kind of denial. There was just enough cognition to agree to re-start individual therapy.		It took me a while to process it. The unreality of it persisted unshakably. I felt like I was stunned, but maybe it was a kind of denial. There was just enough cognition to agree to re-start individual therapy. Which was good, because I was doing a starkly terrible job of taking care of myself emotionally.

	Understanding started leaking in as S's relationship grew. Jealousy tripped all my circuits and rage ruled my skull for a couple days after their first kiss. I was such a fucking moron. I writhed and suffered every day, tortured by the increasing silence and distance from S, punctuated by horrific feelings of betrayal whenever a spark of knowledge about the relationship burned a new hole my soul.		Understanding started leaking in as S's relationship grew. Jealousy tripped all my circuits and rage ruled my skull for a couple days after their first kiss. I was such a fucking moron. I writhed and suffered every day, tortured by the increasing silence and distance from S, punctuated by horrific feelings of betrayal whenever a spark of knowledge about the relationship burned a new hole my soul.

RooK: /* Deciding On Divorce */

2019-10-31T01:46:50Z

Deciding On Divorce

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:46, 31 October 2019
Line 69:		Line 69:
	Understanding started leaking in as S's relationship grew. Jealousy tripped all my circuits and rage ruled my skull for a couple days after their first kiss. I was such a fucking moron. I writhed and suffered every day, tortured by the increasing silence and distance from S, punctuated by horrific feelings of betrayal whenever a spark of knowledge about the relationship burned a new hole my soul.		Understanding started leaking in as S's relationship grew. Jealousy tripped all my circuits and rage ruled my skull for a couple days after their first kiss. I was such a fucking moron. I writhed and suffered every day, tortured by the increasing silence and distance from S, punctuated by horrific feelings of betrayal whenever a spark of knowledge about the relationship burned a new hole my soul.

	Far more difficult was ~~see~~ her discover a love unlike what we had shared. She flowered with a beautiful transformation into a hopeful, trying parnter - to someone else. Her dedication and effort demanded my respect, even as it cast in sickening relief just how half-assed her efforts had been with me. She radiated with creativity, writing poetry and love letters through the night. Jealousy of a new kind sprouted, and a guilt that perhaps I had only been in the way.		Far more difficult was seeing her discover a love unlike what we had shared. She flowered with a beautiful transformation into a hopeful, trying parnter - to someone else. Her dedication and effort demanded my respect, even as it cast in sickening relief just how half-assed her efforts had been with me. She radiated with creativity, writing poetry and love letters through the night. Jealousy of a new kind sprouted, and a guilt that perhaps I had only been in the way.

	Full realization came eventually, even for someone as <s>utterly loyal</s> fucking stupid as I seem to be. Alone together one last time, paddling a canoe on a glass-smooth lake at sunrise under the mountain dusted by my father's ashes, I told her I let her go. That she was free.		Full realization came eventually, even for someone as <s>utterly loyal</s> fucking stupid as I seem to be. Alone together one last time, paddling a canoe on a glass-smooth lake at sunrise under the mountain dusted by my father's ashes, I told her I let her go. That she was free.

RooK: /* Deciding On Divorce */

2019-10-31T01:40:56Z

Deciding On Divorce

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:40, 31 October 2019
Line 65:		Line 65:
	Then S decided that she didn't want her interest in the other man to be innocent any more. She asked for a divorce, specifically to open up a space to allow the relationship to flower. She has clarified that it wasn't this relationship in particular that she wanted to be open to, but rather any relationship other than our marriage. Maybe that makes some difference to her - it mostly just makes me feel worse.		Then S decided that she didn't want her interest in the other man to be innocent any more. She asked for a divorce, specifically to open up a space to allow the relationship to flower. She has clarified that it wasn't this relationship in particular that she wanted to be open to, but rather any relationship other than our marriage. Maybe that makes some difference to her - it mostly just makes me feel worse.

	It took me ~~months~~ to process it. The unreality of it persisted unshakably, perhaps because of how much all of my acquiescence was based on my stupid adherence to my old definition of love. I measured my love by the degree to which she mattered more to me than I do to myself. And to do all this required nearly total neglect of myself in any kind of independent way. I felt like I was stunned, but maybe it was a kind of denial. There was just enough cognition to agree to re-start individual therapy.		It took me a while to process it. The unreality of it persisted unshakably, perhaps because of how much all of my acquiescence was based on my stupid adherence to my old definition of love. I measured my love by the degree to which she mattered more to me than I do to myself. And to do all this required nearly total neglect of myself in any kind of independent way. I felt like I was stunned, but maybe it was a kind of denial. There was just enough cognition to agree to re-start individual therapy.

	Understanding started leaking in as S's relationship grew. Jealousy tripped all my circuits and rage ruled my skull for a couple days after their first kiss. I was such a fucking moron. I writhed and suffered every day, tortured by the increasing silence and distance from S, punctuated by horrific feelings of betrayal whenever a spark of knowledge about the relationship burned a new hole my soul.		Understanding started leaking in as S's relationship grew. Jealousy tripped all my circuits and rage ruled my skull for a couple days after their first kiss. I was such a fucking moron. I writhed and suffered every day, tortured by the increasing silence and distance from S, punctuated by horrific feelings of betrayal whenever a spark of knowledge about the relationship burned a new hole my soul.